#PeopleMatter -stop staring at the problem

Last night I wrote a paper about the problem of evil in the world and the more I study, the more I have conversations with every day people, the more I stare at this computer screen I see more vividly that evil is a problem. But evil existing is not the only problem that I see.

Yesterday at church a missionary said a few words about the work that he and his wife do and about the work of the Church. He gave us the image of the burning buildings on 9/11/2001. The image of so many people running away from the smoke and dust; fear stricken, utter terror, chaos. But while those people were running away there were other men and women running toward the flames. They knew there were lives to save and were willing to do ANYTHING to save them. This is the work of the Church.

Now imagine with me that same scene. Hundreds of people running away. Others still stuck in the buildings. First responders get word, they see on their phones and hear from their friends about this evil that has just taken place, this disaster that was unfolding before their eyes. The first responders then turn and see the buildings, they know people are dying inside, they know that lives could be saved if they did as they were told and helped. But instead, they just stood on the sidewalk and watched. Or maybe they looked back down at their phones to see what other people were saying about it. Would this have been acceptable? You know the answer.

We turn on the news and see the riots and protests happening in response to the man killed in Ferguson, MO. We turn on social media and see #blacklivesmatter trending everywhere. So many events are happening right now and being discussed that show the injustices. So many events right now are proving that the problem of privilege, the problem of racism is still just that; a problem. And believe me, I do see it as a problem.

 Yes. Black lives do matter. But so do Hispanic lives. So do Indian lives. So do all the other lives.
30 million people are trapped in Human Trafficking today. Slavery.
"Almost 1 in every 15 children in developing countries dies from hunger."
Children are being beaten every. single. day.
Elderly. Widows. Orphans.
There are so many injustices. There are so many problems. And we see them as such. We see them. That's the problem. We see them. They are not being overlooked.
We are the first responders. Once you see the injustices you can no longer say that you are unaware.
We have to decide now what we're going to do.

I think the #blacklivesmatter trending everywhere is a beautiful thing. People are standing up for the injustice. People are no longer staring at the problem and not taking action. (whether or not I agree with how action is taking place is a completely different issue)
Would it not be a beautiful thing if that is how we responded to the other injustices?

I realize that a blog post does nothing. But I also realize there are things we can be doing.
For example: Dressember is happening right now.
http://www.dressemberfoundation.org/#!about/csgz
Wearing a dress every day for a month is a little thing. But check out my roommate's blog:
She sees the injustice. She is passionate about the people living in the injustice. She is raising money for the 30 million lives that are trapped in human trafficking.

#PeopleMatter - stop staring at the problem.

Passion is contagious. We need to stop extinguishing our passions for fear of judgment or fear of being uncomfortable. Find your passion and feed the flame. People standing up for people is a beautiful thing. Your voice can be heard if you should choose to use it.

21 years and 10 days

I've noticed a few things about myself throughout the 21 years and 10 days that I've been here. The first is that I don't really like doing what everyone else does/doing what I'm told I'm supposed to be doing. That explains both why I'm not doing homework right now and why I haven't posted for awhile (anyone else notice the crazy amount of people starting blogs after the new year?) The second thing I've learned about myself is that the second I feel an ounce of any emotion it explodes and that emotion overtakes me (whether that be disappointment, joy, or what have you).  The third; I'm really good at jumping the gun and attempting to bite off more of life than I'm ready to chew.

So let's play catch-up. For starters, my last post was about my friend Taylor who passed away in November. When that happened, I experienced something that was completely new to me; I was angry with God. I was more than angry, I was downright furious. I had discussed being angry with God many times with friends and with youth groups and I had spoken to people who were angry with Him but I had never experienced it myself; which was a strange thing to realize. I had been hurt and confused but if I were asked to explain my emotion toward Him until that point "angry" would have been in my word bank. This turned into a turning point in my relationship with Him though, I learned a lot that I'm not even sure I'm done processing but one of those lessons was to present and face my emotions instead of feeling it and refusing to do anything about it.
Also, I'm still in Iowa. Not necessarily my favorite place in the world by any means and I've tried numerous times to leave but God has been teaching me a lot through being here and now I'm 93% sure that this is where He intends to keep me until I graduate. God teaches me a lot through the emotions that I feel so strongly. For example, when I become frustrated that I have 3 different places I'd rather be that I see as more beneficial than being at school but none of the doors open far enough for me to walk through He fed me a spoonful of humility and taught me that it is not my job nor do I have the right to know His plan or tell Him what He ought to be doing. That's part of living by and walking by faith, that's also part of Him being greater than I. So yes, I feel emotion in crazy amounts but I've learned tremendous things through swallowing my pride and bringing my emotions to God (which is something I only learned to do once I got to Iowa, imagine that).

As for attempting to bite off more than I'm ready to chew: I'm currently co-leading the preparation of a Spring Service Project to Lindale, Texas. I'm also preparing to work with the staff of Camp Lebanon as the female lead counselor. Thankfully, because of my lovely friends and very strong and encouraging co-leaders, I'm still very excited for both and am having a blast organizing and planning. BUT in the midst of preparing to go to Texas in about 5 weeks and trying to hold off my excitement and planning for camp (in an attempt not to get ahead of myself) and being a full-time student I decided that I'd try to add one more thing to the load. If I would have had my way, this semester would have been my last at Northwestern and I would have jumped feet first into full-time ministry. That was a bust. But taking a look around me at the things that I have already committed to, I'm glad that didn't work out because I'm just learning how to lead and lead well. Right now, God has given me plenty to juggle that will force me to grow in leaps and bounds.

Turning gears a little bit back toward the fact that I'M GOING BACK TO LINDALE! I don't think I could be more excited. My co-leader, Joey, and I have been planning and our team has started meeting weekly in preparation. This week I called down to Calvary Commission and spoke with Ms. Charlotte Faus about what God has been doing in their lives and what our team will be doing while we are there. I was introduced to the people of Calvary Commission last year and fell in love faster than I ever have before and my faith was refined and redefined. Click HERE to read the post I wrote when I got back to Orange City after our trip last year. It's a new year, we have a new team, and a new dynamic, but we have the same God and His plan will exceed anything I can dream up for the 10 days we will be in Texas. Please be in prayer for our team of 19 as we continue planning, praying and growing in excitement!

God has presented me with many curve balls since the last time I posted but thankfully as I approached them with anxiety He approached me with grace.

Tastes like an old boot (Praying for Taylor)

I decided to write this post about and inspired by my friend Taylor who is currently fighting for her life. This is one of those times when pretending to know the answers isn't going to do any good and the tears come at unexpected moments. One of those times when even if we haven't spoken to God personally in awhile, we find ourselves calling out to Him with everything in us.

I met Taylor the summer after my freshman year in school; my first year working at camp. I had no idea who she was, she had no idea who I was. But as the summer moved forward we became family as camp staff does. Laughs. Hugs. Frisbee. Movie quotes. Belly slaps. Turtle hunting. Discussing God. Discussing missions. Prayer. These are my memories from camp of Taylor.

It's hard to understand. Scratch that. I think it's impossible to understand why things like this happen. Why did Taylor's heart have to stop? I don't know. During my T.A.G (time alone with God) time this morning I read about the character of God and His love was emphasized. "His love endures forever" was the quote that Beth Moore drove home; she wrote:
"At times, the mountains God has created will quake into the sea. But His love endures forever. Riches will come and riches will go. But His love endures forever. Sometimes we'll be healed from physical afflictions and sometimes we won't. But His love endures forever." Thank you Beth for that reminder.

One weekend, during our summer working at camp Taylor, myself, and our friend Alissa stayed at camp while everyone else went home. We belly slapped and quoted "The Little Rascals" like it was nobody's business. We got pretty good at impersonating the voices of some of the characters. Our Favorite? "Tastes like an old boot." "Actually it's a sneaker!"


Taylor, this situation tastes worse than an old boot. I want you to know that not an hour goes by that I don't check your caring bridge for an update and praying that the update will say that the doctors are flabbergasted and you've woken up. I love you Tay. You've blown up my news feed on facebook; pictures, videos, prayers, prayers, and more prayers; I think we've hit "pray without ceasing" right on the head. I know that you're looking to God right now for what is going to happen to you next, and so I am too; as I run out of new ways to say it I continue to pray that God will heal you in whatever way He wants that to look. In a dry time in my prayer life you've taught me to pray again, you prompted me to look to God in a way that I haven't for a while. And I can't imagine that I'm the only one who can say that. It's hard to think about you in the situation that you're in right now. It's even more difficult to think back to 2 months ago when we were counseling for Dad's n Daughters together in Zambia and at the end of the weekend what you said to me:
"This is weird. I'm not coming back to camp, we may not see each other again this side of Heaven."
We're not giving up Tay. We're praying day in and day out and believing the One who still today works miracles. Lean on our Father, Tay, wait for Him, His love for you endures forever.

One thing I ask from the Lord,
    this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
    and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
    he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
    and set me high upon a rock...I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord. ~Psalm 27: 4-5/13-14

A New Title a New Focus

So much has happened since the last time I posted anything. Sometimes I feel like in order to post something it has to be profound, but it's my blog so I guess that's not entirely true. About a month ago when I went home a man from my church asked me "how often do you post?" I answered with "whenever I have something to say." But I realized lately that I have had a lot to say, I just haven't figured out how to say it; I have about three drafts in my "posts" archive that I haven't published because they just don't get it right. (And this one will more than likely not do justice to what God has been showing me either) This season of my life has definitely been about growing and wrestling and frustration and asking and wrestling some more. Predestination, the presence of God, worship, and obedience are a few things I've been thinking about lately.

The presence of God and Obedience are the two most recent. A few weeks ago I realized that we generally do not encounter God like the people written about in the Bible did. The people we read about were awestruck in God's presence; they fell on their faces, they were ruined, they died, they tore their clothes, they shaved their heads, one encounter with the Lord changed their lives and their identity. I felt that I had labeled the Lord as a "chum" or a "friend" and that took away the reverence. I tried to encounter Him on my time and greeted Him as I do my roommate with a very rehearsed "hey, I haven't seen you all day" followed by a truck load of everything in my life that has been wrong. Don't get me wrong, God does have the characteristics of a friend but God should be approached with more awe than we approach our earthly friends with.

On the topic of obedience I've come to realize that I'd been approaching God as I did my mother growing up. Getting as close to the boundary line that marks obedience from disobedience as I could with a sly smirk on my face. "Do you see me, mom? I'm not breaking the rules, I'm just walking the line like a tight rope." And eventually, when I got older, crossing that line but assuring my mom that I had everything under control and could handle it myself but as soon as something went wrong asking in a frustrated tone "hey, why didn't you stop me?"
"Do you see me God? This is the way I'm going to go. I'll give you till the count of three to stop me...1...2...hello? I'm walking the line here, aren't you going to stop me? Okay, well if you're not going to stop me, I must be right." And just like that I fall flat on my butt and am left wondering how I got there. Authority. I fall time and time again because, just like the children of Israel, I have an authority problem. Beth Moore puts it this way: " In essence, God was saying, 'You've got things turned around. Let's get this straight: Me, God. You, human. Me, Creator. You, creature. Me, Potter. You, clay. You obey...not for My good but for yours." It's a good thing our God is patient and merciful because I can't count how many times He's had to humble me and pick me up off my butt reminding me that I am not God, He is.

And with realizing these things, among many many others that God has so graciously taught me this school year, I've realized that I am in no way "love incarnated" and did not intend to label myself as such in the first title of this blog (news flash: the only incarnated perfect love is Jesus), I'm love in training, continuously learning, continuously getting things wrong. So I've changed the title of my blog to "A Learning Heart" in hopes that I'll approach my next year and half in school like I approached Guatemala this summer, and begin to approach God as more than a buddy and continue to learn what it means and what it looks like when I say that I love God.
{I was right, didn't do justice at all, therefor we'll just say: To be continued}

Help Me Get Home

Okay, now that I've stopped shaking, I'm going to recap what just happened (like literally 10 minutes ago).

First a few disclaimers:
1. I may be a chicken about a lot of things, but I've done some pretty crazy things too
       example A: cliff jumping. example B: climbing an active volcano
2. I haven't been afraid of a storm since I was about 13-years-old. Ever sense then, I've loved storms. (until today)

So today was the beginning of fall break. After I finished my paper I took off to come back to Litchfield. I was watching the sun set and saw some dark clouds and rain off to one side of the pinks and oranges. For the next three hours I watched the rain trek toward my car. At this point, I still thought it was cool. When I got just outside of Wilmar (half an hour away from my home town) my mom called just to see how the drive was going. I told her that I was watching a storm roll toward me and that the lightning was getting pretty close. She told me I should think about pulling over, but it was only sprinkling at this point so I told her nothing was happening and it was fine. 5 minutes later, the radio station I was listening went out and when it came back the DJ said "that, ladies and gents, was a lightning strike" immediately after that a gust of wind jerked my car and sheets of rain started coming down; I couldn't see anything. I pulled over in the Target parking lot and sprinted for the doors that were being held closed by some of the employees. I stood with some other people by the doors for a long while watching the rain sweep across the parking lot. 20 minutes later I was talking to a woman who had a radar up on her phone, she said she was going to Litchfield too and now would be a good time to go because it's the lightest its going to be before the storm wraps around and comes back through. I didn't think it was such a great idea, the rain was still coming down pretty hard, but I decided to trust this random stranger and we sprinted to our cars together. She totally ditched me, stopped at an Arby's drive through; cool, lady.

I still decided to try to get home and in my head asked God to send me a different car to follow home. He didn't, every car that I got behind would eventually turn off. Tonight was the first time I've gripped my steering wheel so hard my hands hurt, the first time that the only reason I knew I was still on the road was because of the rumble stripes I kept hitting, the first time I cried while behind the wheel, the first night I was literally shaking while driving. (I know what you're thinking...'and you kept driving, why?' I honestly don't know the answer to this question. But tonight was also the first time I called to God out loud out of fear. I practically screamed to Jesus to help me, just to help me get home. Now, the fear may have been an over reaction. But when there is not a car on the road going faster than 40, and I can't see the lines on either side of me, and I am constantly hydroplaning, I get a little freaked out.

As I was driving, I had to keep reminding myself not to look out the windows at the lightning or the rain. I just needed to focus my eyes forward and focus on getting home. I realize now that I need to keep those things in mind as I'm walking through metaphorical storms in my life. Don't look out the windows and dwell about the scary things happening around me, cry out to God and focus on getting Home to Him.

Holy buckets, am I glad I'm home.
Moral of the story:
1. learn from every situation
2. don't dwell on the storm going on around you, focus on our God who is stronger than the storm (whether that be a literal storm or a metaphorical one)
3. don't listen to random women in target who tell you to go home. they will ditch you for Arby's

Dear Guatemala...

Dear Guatemala,

        I think I miss you as much right now as I did the minute I landed in the States. Part of me feels completely out of place, and I know that in a sense, that's true. I would do anything to hop on a plane and come back right this minute. Living here while my heart is with you is so hard sometimes; right now is one of those times.
       I miss the little things the most. Today rain was in the forecast, I prayed that God would let it down pour at about 3:00. I want to lay in bed and hear rain pounding on the roof, I want to walk home from work through water and mud filled streets and paths and get drenched.
      Speaking of work, I want to walk up the stairs into the art school. Words cannot describe how much I just want to hug my students and watch them paint. I want to paint with Andy and hear him laugh as he encourages me and says that I won't mess up his painting.

I want to hear them make fun of my lack of artistic skills and my obsession with chocolate and coffee. To hear Thelma scream "RENEE!" and tell me what I was supposed to be doing instead of talking with students or point to the stairs and tell me to go visit Albertina.

I want to go to the tienda with my students and play soccer with them and watch them wrestle with each other. I want to be back in the woods walking with Thelma and the students, racing up the hills and in between trees screaming with joy and freedom. I want Thelma to walk with me and tell me what things are and explain to me things that I don't understand.
      I want to walk up the ridiculously steep hills to Pastor Mario's house and step over Oso to get through the door, to see Rochelle running around. I want her to sit on my lap and beg me to let her play with my phone and get the screen protector ridiculously dirty. I want to hear her squeaky little voice say "porfa Emita!" I want to sit and play pesca in a plastic chair that could fall out from under me at any second.

I want to go home to my brothers! I want to hear Jeffry laugh uncontrollably until he starts crying and hides his face in his shirt. I want to have staring contests with Wilmar across the table while Alison and Jose are having a serious conversation. I want to get into a laughing fit with Wilmar about things that are not funny, only to have Kevin look at us like we're crazy and Jose to tell us we're children. I want to get in a stuffed animal war with Justin. I want to look under the table only to find him tying my shoe laces together. I want to lay awake in my bed listening to a recorder being played. I want to hear their voices shouting to our mom.

I want my mom! Having two moms is a strange concept, but you gave me one. Antonieta is the greatest, I want her to laugh at me trying to make tortillas. I want her to poke her head into my room and say "desayuno esta lista!" I want her oatmeal bake for breakfast, I want her to ask me how tired I am.
I want to share my room with Alison again. Going back and forth with Disney quotes, discussing our days, discussing how tired we are and comparing bug bites but saying we wouldn't change a thing for the world (well, minus the bug bites). And I wouldn't, not a bit of it.
         Guatemala, you have my heart. You always will. Some day, I will come back. There's no possible way that I can stay here with this feeling much longer. I want my fellow interns, I want the full time missionaries, I want my family, I want my home.

I love you always, Guatemala. And I miss you more and more each and every day.

Silence Broken

(Sunday, September 30)
"You're My beloved, lover I'm yours. Death shall not part us, it's you I died for. For better or worse, forever we'll be, My love it unites us and it binds you to Me.
You've been a mistress, My wife. You're chasing lovers that won't satisfy. Won't you let Me make you My bride? You will drink of My lips and you'll taste new life."

Those lyrics are from Tenth Avenue North's song, "Beloved". It's been one of my favorite songs for quite some time now, and I think it's because it's written as if the LORD were singing to us, to me. Whenever I feel like I'm not quite good enough, whenever I feel like I'm being overwhelmed or consumed or what have you, I listen to this song. This last week wore me down, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I was zonked by Friday (lets be serious, I was zonked by Tuesday). Normally, having an exhausting week is fine every now and again, but I still felt like I hadn't recovered from the previous week. I decided I was in serious need of connecting with God. I felt like I had fallen, except this time was different than others. I had no feeling that God was trying to teach my something or remind me of something, God was silent, and I came to the realization that I had not heard His voice all week.

Today I chose not to go to the church I regularly attend on Sunday mornings. I was tired of looking to people to lead me to the Lord, tired of going to church just because it's a Sunday morning habit, I just wanted the Spirit to lead me to Himself. After some worshiping I turned to Jeremiah 3 and read chapters 3-6.

"If a man divorces his wife and she leaves him

and marries another man, should he return to her again?

Would not the land be completely defiled?

But you have lived as a prostitute with many lovers-

would you now return to me?" (3:1)

After a week of looking to material things, sleep, and humans for my strength and as my outlet, that being the first verse I read while looking to reconnect with God was a smack right to face. Throughout this passage the author writes how God reacts to a faithless Judah. I finally stopped after chapter 6 and prayed about how I was feeling. How I felt that I am faithless Judah. I was prompted to turn to Jude, the book directly before Revelation. The first part of Jude says that men of the past were written about as an example of those who suffer punishment, but how those kind of men have "slipped in among [us]" (verse 4) They "change the grace of our God into a license for immorality and deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord".

(Monday, September 20)
I've definitely felt the stirring of truth being twisted in me this last week, of self-deception creeping up and threatening to take over. Today I had my Beth Moore Bible study, we watched the third session about  the contrast of Truth and lies. One of the things that really hit me was this:

my "truth" + Satan's lies = captivity

There are so many lies that Satan weasels into my mind. One of these lies is that I can be filled by things other than God. I can turn to sleep to feel peace, to academics to feel worth, to friends to feel comfort and everything will continue as I plan. It is this lie that eventually brings me feeling so low as to claiming the role of faithless Judah, an adulterous wife, a weak and needy child begging for my life to go back to how it once was.

However, my truth, that is what I perceive as truth taking from my environment and my experiences, is just that; a perception detached from God's Truth. My "truth" is so easily swayed. It's so easy for me to believe that I have no worth, that I am alone, that my plans are the only thing I have to rely on, that the things around me will fill me and make me feel whole. (and I'm sure I'm not the only one prone to these thoughts)

But there is beauty looming above all of this mess. God "applies His truth to our needy lives."

"My weakness will never trump God's strength." God gives me the power to "build [myself] up in [my] most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit. [to keep myself] in God's love as [I] wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Jude 20-21)

It's only Monday. The silence was broken yesterday when God spoke directly to my heart and taught me so many things (if I were to write them all, you'd surely get bored and go back to Facebook). However, it's only Monday and the lies have already begun to creep up again. It only took half a day for me to have another break down about life. Less than 24 hours after God used His Word to tell me to build myself up in my faith (Jude 20), a situation occurred that has made me cry out in confusion. But

"To him who is able to keep you from falling...to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord" -Jude 24

"1God is our refuge and strength, 

an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way...

4There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

the holy place where the Most High dwells. 

5God is within her, she will not fall;

God will help her at break of day...

7The LORD Almighty is with us;

The God of Jacob is our fortress"

Psalm 46