From craving to wrestling

This is my life. I can't get it out of my head. My life: everywhere I look I see ministry or am being told about ministry. Being told in my classes that I need to take a step back and look at it all. Being intimidated because 4 out of the 5 of my classes are religion. Looking forward and knowing that in two years, and even now, my life will be consumed by looking for ways to be a beacon. And now I find myself asking extremely hard questions. I often find myself telling my campers at Camp Lebanon to ask the hard questions because it's through those that we grow in what we believe, grow closer in relationships with God and grow closer to finding His will. I'm a hypocrite. I hate asking the hard questions, it scares me.

So now here I sit, scared out of my mind, literally. I've been zoning out and doing mindless things in order to get my mind to stop turning and asking and reasoning, knowing that if I allow myself to step back into my thoughts I'll ask questions that I don't know how to answer. I like having the answers, but I know that I can't have them all the time. I haven't even attended all my classes yet (one more to go) and I'm wrestling with questions like:

Am I walking down the right path to get to where God wants me to be?

Who do I need to surround myself with to get there?

Why do I want to work in ministry?

Am I cut out to study missiology, changing religion in America, and Bible interpretation? Or will it turn my relationship with God away from communing with Him to 100% studying Him. 

Will I end up knowing about Him more but knowing Him less?

What do I believe about predestination?

How do my beliefs now differ from the church I was raised in? How did that happen?

Will Pontius Pilate go to Heaven or Hell? After all, he showed signs of believing Jesus is King.

If there is no relationship between people, can it still be declared missions work?

I've never been in this position before. I've never scared myself by my own questions or been offended by someone so strongly questioning where I think God is leading me. I've never wrestled with my thoughts like this or been forced to trust quite like this.

A week ago I was craving to be changed and shaped. I was craving to find what it looks like to mean it when I say I love the Lord. Is this what that looks like?

I feel like I need a game plan. Like I need a step by step list of directions of how to do this. Problem is, there's not one. My only game plan: trust the only One I know is faithful. Surround myself with Him, and seek council from people I view as Christ-like.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine...

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior