Struggling to be Content

I did not know it was possible to miss a place as much as I miss Guatemala right now. I would be willing to take my nasty parasite medicine every day for the rest of my life if it meant being able to spend just one more week, one more day, with my friends who are now many miles away from me.

I've officially been home for a week. I've been thinking about what I could possibly write this blog post about and there are so many things: The pain I feel being away from my friends, how introverted I've become, what has been easy about being home, how home no longer feels like home, the jealousy I feel when looking at pictures of other people smiling with the art school students, the possibilities are endless.

As I sit here, I'm still not really sure what I want to write about, but I know there are things I need to get off my chest, so I just hope it comes out cognitively. All I know is that God brought me to Guatemala for a reason. And looking back at pictures and my blog posts and my journal, I am told that loud and clear. But the hardest thing to accept is that God brought me back to the states for a reason as well. 

During our debrief, before we (the first session of interns) left to come back to the states we were forced to face our emotions about leaving. We got asked many hard questions that sometimes we just didn't have the words to answer. One of these difficult questions was: "Where am I in the process of discovering my true calling and what role did my experience [in Guatemala] play in this process?"

One of the things that I learned about Americans while I was in Guatemala is that we like to know what is coming next, we like to have a laid out plan that is written in stone. However, the problem with that is, (as many Christ followers have come to learn throughout their lives) our plans are not always God's plans, and God does not always lay out the blue prints of our lives for us to see exactly when we want to see them.
Before I left school, I changed my major to "Christian Education/Youth Ministry" with a minor in "Teaching English as a Second Language". When I left school for the summer I was still a little weary of the decision. This weariness mostly came from people asking me questions like "well, what is your plan?" or "what are you going to do with that?" well, I wasn't sure. Before I left for Guatemala I told my mom "If God doesn't use this trip to answer my questions about my future, I'm not going back to school." But God did answer my questions. He told me, you are going to love Me and love others, you are going to honor Me and teach others about Me, you are going to follow my commands even when it's hard and even when people look at you like you're crazy for going to school for a ministry degree.

So I guess I have to be content with being back in the states. Because if God didn't want me here right now, I wouldn't be here right now. He would have made me lose my passport or shut down the airport or something. Because I am 100% sure that God won't let me go anywhere that He doesn't intend to use me. I have to be content with seeing pictures of other people hugging and smiling with the students at the art school and the people of Magdalena because that means they are being loved and that's what I want most. I have to find a way to serve my King in this confusing time of feeling like I don't belong, and that is exactly what I intend to do.

Being back is way more difficult than I imagined it would be. I am a different person on the inside, I'm just struggling to let that person out now. I've become what some people might call a "bottler" with all my emotions stored up inside me, wanting to always just be left alone with my thoughts. And for a person who left the country very emotional, extroverted and most of the time willing to share my thoughts, that's not exactly a good place to be. But I'm working on it, and I'm sure God will help me turn things around and be the Erin that he refined me to be while I was in Guatemala.

Guatemala is beautiful but not magical

First of all, I got this blog working again! I don't know what happened or why I wasn't able to access it from Guatemala but if you're interested in reading what I wrote while I was in Guatemala you can find those posts here.

I can't believe I'm already sitting back in my living room typing this. I seriously felt like I was here yesterday staring at all the things I needed to pack in order to leave May 23. I didn't realize how quickly this time would go by or how many lessons God would squeeze into 5 weeks. A week or two before I left, the other interns and I had dinner with the wife of one the staff members and she asked us what we all had learned. I was suddenly hit with the realization that I had been a part of so much and I hadn't stopped to think about what I had learned from all of it. So for the last week that I was in Magdalena I began to process what I had learned. This is a little of what I came up with:

Lesson #1: You can't just sit back on autopilot expecting a door to open, a moving sidewalk to usher you through it and God to change you without any effort on your part. You have to fight. Every day without stopping, expecting to encounter brokenness, trials, even death. You must stand firm, wearing armor that only comes from Him. But you must also rely on Him for your strength and your wisdom during the fight and work to make your character like His.

Lesson #2: When you give your heart to God He is going to take you seriously, there are no take backs. Ask Him for patience and He is going to give you something to build your patience. Ask Him to give you His heart and break yours, He will introduce you to people who will break it: Josephina, Ruth, Nanci, Albertina. Tell Him to take over your mind and your actions and all of a sudden you will find yourself constantly thinking about Him and constantly thinking about how you can serve Him and His people, whatever the cost.

Lesson #3: I am not the celebrity, my King is. I found myself asking the question "Erin, why are you doing this? Because it's what you're supposed to be doing or is God behind it?" Anyone can go to a different country and do good deeds, and interact with the people there. But when God is behind it there is so much more, so much more meaning behind everything that happens. Conversations are no longer half-hearted, nor are actions. My King is not only the celebrity in Guatemala...
When I come home, I do not want it to be about me. I do not want my stories to be about what Erin did in Guatemala. I want them to be about what God did while Erin was in Guatemala.

Lesson #4: But God. I walked through multiple situations that were too big for me to handle. I also was told many life stories that are too hurtful and dark for any person to handle. In situations like those there is always a "but God..." to go after the scary situation or the heartbreaking story.
John 1:5 ~ The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not overcome it. 

Lesson #5: I learned to remind myself that Jesus knows the pain we go through. He was tempted just as we are when we are in hard situations (Hebrews 4:14). He also felt sadness and heartbreak as we do (John 11:35). I learned that this can be great comfort when I am struggling or hurting and confused in the midst of a difficult situation.

I learned SO many things during my 5 weeks in Guatemala. These 5 don't even make a dent on the rant I could go on about what God taught me.
I learned that a shining light is of no use if it is not seen. How can you change the world if you're scared to be in it?
I learned to be humble.
I learned that sometimes, in the midst of poverty and in the midst of heartbreak, people just want to be heard.
I learned that I can worship my King with every act and every thought.
I learned to love and how to reflect the love that He has shown me my whole life.
And I learned that there is no better place to be than in the center of God's will.

                                           2am. Ready to go! May 23rd.

                           5 month old baby Cindy. The little sister of on of my students.

                                     I don't think I'll ever master the art of making tortillas.

        Telma teaching the kids how to make their paintings better, and cracking a joke as she does it.

                                       Armando finishing up a painting of Antigua

                                  Nanci, Andy, and Beverly. Oh how I love these kids.

  The boys of the art school (and Telma) getting ready to play soccer against the boys of San Miguel.

The beautiful Guatemala.

Most importantly, I learned that (in the words of one of the very wise ladies I worked with) Guatemala is not a magical place. You do not need to be in Guatemala to see God work, He works elsewhere as well. The difference is that God is made the priority in the lives of people interacting with SI Guatemala. Now He must be made the priority here as well.

"When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within"