Tastes like an old boot (Praying for Taylor)

I decided to write this post about and inspired by my friend Taylor who is currently fighting for her life. This is one of those times when pretending to know the answers isn't going to do any good and the tears come at unexpected moments. One of those times when even if we haven't spoken to God personally in awhile, we find ourselves calling out to Him with everything in us.

I met Taylor the summer after my freshman year in school; my first year working at camp. I had no idea who she was, she had no idea who I was. But as the summer moved forward we became family as camp staff does. Laughs. Hugs. Frisbee. Movie quotes. Belly slaps. Turtle hunting. Discussing God. Discussing missions. Prayer. These are my memories from camp of Taylor.

It's hard to understand. Scratch that. I think it's impossible to understand why things like this happen. Why did Taylor's heart have to stop? I don't know. During my T.A.G (time alone with God) time this morning I read about the character of God and His love was emphasized. "His love endures forever" was the quote that Beth Moore drove home; she wrote:
"At times, the mountains God has created will quake into the sea. But His love endures forever. Riches will come and riches will go. But His love endures forever. Sometimes we'll be healed from physical afflictions and sometimes we won't. But His love endures forever." Thank you Beth for that reminder.

One weekend, during our summer working at camp Taylor, myself, and our friend Alissa stayed at camp while everyone else went home. We belly slapped and quoted "The Little Rascals" like it was nobody's business. We got pretty good at impersonating the voices of some of the characters. Our Favorite? "Tastes like an old boot." "Actually it's a sneaker!"


Taylor, this situation tastes worse than an old boot. I want you to know that not an hour goes by that I don't check your caring bridge for an update and praying that the update will say that the doctors are flabbergasted and you've woken up. I love you Tay. You've blown up my news feed on facebook; pictures, videos, prayers, prayers, and more prayers; I think we've hit "pray without ceasing" right on the head. I know that you're looking to God right now for what is going to happen to you next, and so I am too; as I run out of new ways to say it I continue to pray that God will heal you in whatever way He wants that to look. In a dry time in my prayer life you've taught me to pray again, you prompted me to look to God in a way that I haven't for a while. And I can't imagine that I'm the only one who can say that. It's hard to think about you in the situation that you're in right now. It's even more difficult to think back to 2 months ago when we were counseling for Dad's n Daughters together in Zambia and at the end of the weekend what you said to me:
"This is weird. I'm not coming back to camp, we may not see each other again this side of Heaven."
We're not giving up Tay. We're praying day in and day out and believing the One who still today works miracles. Lean on our Father, Tay, wait for Him, His love for you endures forever.

One thing I ask from the Lord,
    this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
    and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
    he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
    and set me high upon a rock...I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord. ~Psalm 27: 4-5/13-14

A New Title a New Focus

So much has happened since the last time I posted anything. Sometimes I feel like in order to post something it has to be profound, but it's my blog so I guess that's not entirely true. About a month ago when I went home a man from my church asked me "how often do you post?" I answered with "whenever I have something to say." But I realized lately that I have had a lot to say, I just haven't figured out how to say it; I have about three drafts in my "posts" archive that I haven't published because they just don't get it right. (And this one will more than likely not do justice to what God has been showing me either) This season of my life has definitely been about growing and wrestling and frustration and asking and wrestling some more. Predestination, the presence of God, worship, and obedience are a few things I've been thinking about lately.

The presence of God and Obedience are the two most recent. A few weeks ago I realized that we generally do not encounter God like the people written about in the Bible did. The people we read about were awestruck in God's presence; they fell on their faces, they were ruined, they died, they tore their clothes, they shaved their heads, one encounter with the Lord changed their lives and their identity. I felt that I had labeled the Lord as a "chum" or a "friend" and that took away the reverence. I tried to encounter Him on my time and greeted Him as I do my roommate with a very rehearsed "hey, I haven't seen you all day" followed by a truck load of everything in my life that has been wrong. Don't get me wrong, God does have the characteristics of a friend but God should be approached with more awe than we approach our earthly friends with.

On the topic of obedience I've come to realize that I'd been approaching God as I did my mother growing up. Getting as close to the boundary line that marks obedience from disobedience as I could with a sly smirk on my face. "Do you see me, mom? I'm not breaking the rules, I'm just walking the line like a tight rope." And eventually, when I got older, crossing that line but assuring my mom that I had everything under control and could handle it myself but as soon as something went wrong asking in a frustrated tone "hey, why didn't you stop me?"
"Do you see me God? This is the way I'm going to go. I'll give you till the count of three to stop me...1...2...hello? I'm walking the line here, aren't you going to stop me? Okay, well if you're not going to stop me, I must be right." And just like that I fall flat on my butt and am left wondering how I got there. Authority. I fall time and time again because, just like the children of Israel, I have an authority problem. Beth Moore puts it this way: " In essence, God was saying, 'You've got things turned around. Let's get this straight: Me, God. You, human. Me, Creator. You, creature. Me, Potter. You, clay. You obey...not for My good but for yours." It's a good thing our God is patient and merciful because I can't count how many times He's had to humble me and pick me up off my butt reminding me that I am not God, He is.

And with realizing these things, among many many others that God has so graciously taught me this school year, I've realized that I am in no way "love incarnated" and did not intend to label myself as such in the first title of this blog (news flash: the only incarnated perfect love is Jesus), I'm love in training, continuously learning, continuously getting things wrong. So I've changed the title of my blog to "A Learning Heart" in hopes that I'll approach my next year and half in school like I approached Guatemala this summer, and begin to approach God as more than a buddy and continue to learn what it means and what it looks like when I say that I love God.
{I was right, didn't do justice at all, therefor we'll just say: To be continued}

Help Me Get Home

Okay, now that I've stopped shaking, I'm going to recap what just happened (like literally 10 minutes ago).

First a few disclaimers:
1. I may be a chicken about a lot of things, but I've done some pretty crazy things too
       example A: cliff jumping. example B: climbing an active volcano
2. I haven't been afraid of a storm since I was about 13-years-old. Ever sense then, I've loved storms. (until today)

So today was the beginning of fall break. After I finished my paper I took off to come back to Litchfield. I was watching the sun set and saw some dark clouds and rain off to one side of the pinks and oranges. For the next three hours I watched the rain trek toward my car. At this point, I still thought it was cool. When I got just outside of Wilmar (half an hour away from my home town) my mom called just to see how the drive was going. I told her that I was watching a storm roll toward me and that the lightning was getting pretty close. She told me I should think about pulling over, but it was only sprinkling at this point so I told her nothing was happening and it was fine. 5 minutes later, the radio station I was listening went out and when it came back the DJ said "that, ladies and gents, was a lightning strike" immediately after that a gust of wind jerked my car and sheets of rain started coming down; I couldn't see anything. I pulled over in the Target parking lot and sprinted for the doors that were being held closed by some of the employees. I stood with some other people by the doors for a long while watching the rain sweep across the parking lot. 20 minutes later I was talking to a woman who had a radar up on her phone, she said she was going to Litchfield too and now would be a good time to go because it's the lightest its going to be before the storm wraps around and comes back through. I didn't think it was such a great idea, the rain was still coming down pretty hard, but I decided to trust this random stranger and we sprinted to our cars together. She totally ditched me, stopped at an Arby's drive through; cool, lady.

I still decided to try to get home and in my head asked God to send me a different car to follow home. He didn't, every car that I got behind would eventually turn off. Tonight was the first time I've gripped my steering wheel so hard my hands hurt, the first time that the only reason I knew I was still on the road was because of the rumble stripes I kept hitting, the first time I cried while behind the wheel, the first night I was literally shaking while driving. (I know what you're thinking...'and you kept driving, why?' I honestly don't know the answer to this question. But tonight was also the first time I called to God out loud out of fear. I practically screamed to Jesus to help me, just to help me get home. Now, the fear may have been an over reaction. But when there is not a car on the road going faster than 40, and I can't see the lines on either side of me, and I am constantly hydroplaning, I get a little freaked out.

As I was driving, I had to keep reminding myself not to look out the windows at the lightning or the rain. I just needed to focus my eyes forward and focus on getting home. I realize now that I need to keep those things in mind as I'm walking through metaphorical storms in my life. Don't look out the windows and dwell about the scary things happening around me, cry out to God and focus on getting Home to Him.

Holy buckets, am I glad I'm home.
Moral of the story:
1. learn from every situation
2. don't dwell on the storm going on around you, focus on our God who is stronger than the storm (whether that be a literal storm or a metaphorical one)
3. don't listen to random women in target who tell you to go home. they will ditch you for Arby's

Dear Guatemala...

Dear Guatemala,

        I think I miss you as much right now as I did the minute I landed in the States. Part of me feels completely out of place, and I know that in a sense, that's true. I would do anything to hop on a plane and come back right this minute. Living here while my heart is with you is so hard sometimes; right now is one of those times.
       I miss the little things the most. Today rain was in the forecast, I prayed that God would let it down pour at about 3:00. I want to lay in bed and hear rain pounding on the roof, I want to walk home from work through water and mud filled streets and paths and get drenched.
      Speaking of work, I want to walk up the stairs into the art school. Words cannot describe how much I just want to hug my students and watch them paint. I want to paint with Andy and hear him laugh as he encourages me and says that I won't mess up his painting.

I want to hear them make fun of my lack of artistic skills and my obsession with chocolate and coffee. To hear Thelma scream "RENEE!" and tell me what I was supposed to be doing instead of talking with students or point to the stairs and tell me to go visit Albertina.

I want to go to the tienda with my students and play soccer with them and watch them wrestle with each other. I want to be back in the woods walking with Thelma and the students, racing up the hills and in between trees screaming with joy and freedom. I want Thelma to walk with me and tell me what things are and explain to me things that I don't understand.
      I want to walk up the ridiculously steep hills to Pastor Mario's house and step over Oso to get through the door, to see Rochelle running around. I want her to sit on my lap and beg me to let her play with my phone and get the screen protector ridiculously dirty. I want to hear her squeaky little voice say "porfa Emita!" I want to sit and play pesca in a plastic chair that could fall out from under me at any second.

I want to go home to my brothers! I want to hear Jeffry laugh uncontrollably until he starts crying and hides his face in his shirt. I want to have staring contests with Wilmar across the table while Alison and Jose are having a serious conversation. I want to get into a laughing fit with Wilmar about things that are not funny, only to have Kevin look at us like we're crazy and Jose to tell us we're children. I want to get in a stuffed animal war with Justin. I want to look under the table only to find him tying my shoe laces together. I want to lay awake in my bed listening to a recorder being played. I want to hear their voices shouting to our mom.

I want my mom! Having two moms is a strange concept, but you gave me one. Antonieta is the greatest, I want her to laugh at me trying to make tortillas. I want her to poke her head into my room and say "desayuno esta lista!" I want her oatmeal bake for breakfast, I want her to ask me how tired I am.
I want to share my room with Alison again. Going back and forth with Disney quotes, discussing our days, discussing how tired we are and comparing bug bites but saying we wouldn't change a thing for the world (well, minus the bug bites). And I wouldn't, not a bit of it.
         Guatemala, you have my heart. You always will. Some day, I will come back. There's no possible way that I can stay here with this feeling much longer. I want my fellow interns, I want the full time missionaries, I want my family, I want my home.

I love you always, Guatemala. And I miss you more and more each and every day.

Silence Broken

(Sunday, September 30)
"You're My beloved, lover I'm yours. Death shall not part us, it's you I died for. For better or worse, forever we'll be, My love it unites us and it binds you to Me.
You've been a mistress, My wife. You're chasing lovers that won't satisfy. Won't you let Me make you My bride? You will drink of My lips and you'll taste new life."

Those lyrics are from Tenth Avenue North's song, "Beloved". It's been one of my favorite songs for quite some time now, and I think it's because it's written as if the LORD were singing to us, to me. Whenever I feel like I'm not quite good enough, whenever I feel like I'm being overwhelmed or consumed or what have you, I listen to this song. This last week wore me down, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I was zonked by Friday (lets be serious, I was zonked by Tuesday). Normally, having an exhausting week is fine every now and again, but I still felt like I hadn't recovered from the previous week. I decided I was in serious need of connecting with God. I felt like I had fallen, except this time was different than others. I had no feeling that God was trying to teach my something or remind me of something, God was silent, and I came to the realization that I had not heard His voice all week.

Today I chose not to go to the church I regularly attend on Sunday mornings. I was tired of looking to people to lead me to the Lord, tired of going to church just because it's a Sunday morning habit, I just wanted the Spirit to lead me to Himself. After some worshiping I turned to Jeremiah 3 and read chapters 3-6.

"If a man divorces his wife and she leaves him

and marries another man, should he return to her again?

Would not the land be completely defiled?

But you have lived as a prostitute with many lovers-

would you now return to me?" (3:1)

After a week of looking to material things, sleep, and humans for my strength and as my outlet, that being the first verse I read while looking to reconnect with God was a smack right to face. Throughout this passage the author writes how God reacts to a faithless Judah. I finally stopped after chapter 6 and prayed about how I was feeling. How I felt that I am faithless Judah. I was prompted to turn to Jude, the book directly before Revelation. The first part of Jude says that men of the past were written about as an example of those who suffer punishment, but how those kind of men have "slipped in among [us]" (verse 4) They "change the grace of our God into a license for immorality and deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord".

(Monday, September 20)
I've definitely felt the stirring of truth being twisted in me this last week, of self-deception creeping up and threatening to take over. Today I had my Beth Moore Bible study, we watched the third session about  the contrast of Truth and lies. One of the things that really hit me was this:

my "truth" + Satan's lies = captivity

There are so many lies that Satan weasels into my mind. One of these lies is that I can be filled by things other than God. I can turn to sleep to feel peace, to academics to feel worth, to friends to feel comfort and everything will continue as I plan. It is this lie that eventually brings me feeling so low as to claiming the role of faithless Judah, an adulterous wife, a weak and needy child begging for my life to go back to how it once was.

However, my truth, that is what I perceive as truth taking from my environment and my experiences, is just that; a perception detached from God's Truth. My "truth" is so easily swayed. It's so easy for me to believe that I have no worth, that I am alone, that my plans are the only thing I have to rely on, that the things around me will fill me and make me feel whole. (and I'm sure I'm not the only one prone to these thoughts)

But there is beauty looming above all of this mess. God "applies His truth to our needy lives."

"My weakness will never trump God's strength." God gives me the power to "build [myself] up in [my] most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit. [to keep myself] in God's love as [I] wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Jude 20-21)

It's only Monday. The silence was broken yesterday when God spoke directly to my heart and taught me so many things (if I were to write them all, you'd surely get bored and go back to Facebook). However, it's only Monday and the lies have already begun to creep up again. It only took half a day for me to have another break down about life. Less than 24 hours after God used His Word to tell me to build myself up in my faith (Jude 20), a situation occurred that has made me cry out in confusion. But

"To him who is able to keep you from falling...to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord" -Jude 24

"1God is our refuge and strength, 

an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way...

4There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

the holy place where the Most High dwells. 

5God is within her, she will not fall;

God will help her at break of day...

7The LORD Almighty is with us;

The God of Jacob is our fortress"

Psalm 46

The yoke is being shattered

"As I sit behind this screen typing words the way they seem they come spinning out my soul leave me bare and so exposed. And as I sort through all this mess that's always jumbled in my head I'm ashamed of who I am, a wayward son, a wayward man. And I find that my heart is a traitor inside, can You come and vindicate it? I wanna love you but I don't understand why my heart is a traitor. I love what I can't stand. I wanna follow all that You've ever said, but my heart is a traitor. I want to be free of this, can You break me free of this?" -David Dunn, Traitor

My heart is a traitor. I've realized lately that I dwell on things for a lot longer than I should. Little things that probably wouldn't matter to any one except me. I dwell on them so much that they stop me from getting my head on strait and focusing on what I need to focus on. When this happens, my mind as well as my heart get so side tracked that often times it stops me from looking to God for my success. I get stuck in a rut.

Yesterday 10 girls and I started Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" Bible study. I'm ridiculously excited about this study. We watched the introduction last night and I did my first "homework" for the study this morning.

For the past few days, especially Saturday and Sunday, God has been noticeably preparing my heart for this study. Being "set free" kept coming up, multiple times a day. Whether it was conversation with a friend, the "Jesus Calling" for that day, or the Pastor's sermon, it seriously came up ALL the time! When it first began to show up continually my thought was "okay, God, I get it. I'm bound by so many things right now that are hindering me from coming to you, I get it, you can stop now." Thankfully, He didn't stop. He knew I understand that I was in bondage but He also knew that just because I see and understand something doesn't mean that I'll do anything about it.

Last night in the introduction Beth said so many things that hit me in the gut.

One of the first things was what she said after we read Judges 6:1-6, the first verse in this passage is "Again the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the LORD" Beth emphasized the word 'again', we know things are wrong but we keep doing them again and again and AGAIN. "Why did I do this AGAIN?" has been a question I have asked myself over and over in my 20 years. But then she said

"You can be freed from your 'again'."

I want that so bad, I want to be freed from my 'again', from everything that hinders me from walking hand in hand with the Lord all the time. I don't want to slip backwards AGAIN.

God is opening my eyes to bondage in my life that I was too blind to even realize was there. I'm learning that just because the chains haven't cut into my skin and caused pain yet doesn't mean they aren't there holding me down. I realized this past week that I have chains that have caused wounds in the past, that have cut deep but just because the wound has healed doesn't mean that I've been freed from that chain, I've just found ways to nurture the wounds the chains have caused so that they don't hurt. God has the power to free me.

"Today is the day of God's favor!" God has given me so many blessings! For example:

Side note: open your eyes to the blessings in your life. It sound cliche but really, it's so simple just to walk around all day on autopilot, but when you do that you miss so much. Figure out whats got you in your rut, nip it in the bud and enjoy this beautiful Tuesday

"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned...For as in the day of Midians' defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them"

Isaiah 9:2,4

Dear Dad

For those of you who never met my dad: shoot, I wish you could have met him. I've decided that he's the one who gave me most of my character and taught me how to take life seriously but not take myself seriously. He's the one who impacted my decision to pursue a ministry degree and the one I think of when I'm trying to make a tough decision. 5 years ago today, he went Home.

Dear Dad,

How is it even possible that you've been gone for five years? I want you to know that I'm drinking mountain dew and eating a butterfingers bar for you today and I don't even care about the calories (okay, I do a little bit but it's for you).

            Most people yesterday and today have been thinking about terrorist attacks and our nation, but when their minds are there my mind is always in a completely different place. My mind is on you, Dad.

           I'm curious what our relationship would look like if you were here today. Looking back on the last five years there are so many things I wish I could have shared with  you. Getting glasses, I know this doesn't seem like a big deal but you told me once to grow my hair to my butt and get glasses. Well, my hair was pretty close (not my greatest moment by the way) and I got glasses. Getting my drivers License, I remember you teaching me how to drive. We were driving to Grandpa's house, Jacob was in the back seat upset because I got to drive and he didn't. You told me I was too uptight and needed to chill out, once I had you said "good, now go 80." Jacob freaked out and I looked at you and laughed and all you said was "I wasn't kidding." Guatemala in 2009 and again in 2013, I love Guatemala and I know you would have loved hearing about it. And the great part is, even if you didn't want to hear about it you would sit and listen because you always made what's important to me important to you, I miss that about you, not many people do that. Graduating high school, you said you were going to bring a beach towel because you'd be crying so much. Moving to College, I freaked out and I still freak out every time I move in for a new school year. There are countless stories I could tell you that I know you would get a kick out of.  Sometimes things happen that only you would find funny and I'm left laughing my head off unable to explain to people why they're funny. They just are and I can't stop laughing, I'm not exaggerating. I also look into the future and know there are events coming that would look a lot different if you would be standing by my side but you told me to make the most of each day, not waste my days thinking too heavily about the future.

             Emma is beautiful, Dad. Not so much of a baby anymore, you would be so in love with her. I can't imagine you interacting with her though, because she's quite the girl. She likes princesses and horses, and wears dresses, not something you had when I was little. Some day I'll tell her how hilarious you were, and tell her your expectations of being your daughter as well as the daughter of our King.

I want you to know that I'm in a good spot. I don't mean physically, well, I guess Orange City is pretty swell, but I mean mentally and spiritually, I know who I am. You told me to stay independent, creative, and joyful, I think I have. I'm a Christian Education major, taking after you, I want nothing more than to serve my King. I wish I could have your insight, but I know you'd be cheering me on in this decision with a really long obnoxious whistle louder than anyone could imagine a whistle being.

I still remember all the lessons you taught me, there are some that I don't think you knew you taught me. Once we were driving and the sky was cloudy and grey. I was complaining that I hated the sky when it was grey, I wanted it to be blue. You told me that even when there are clouds in the sky, the sky is still blue; the beauty of the blue is always behind the sometimes dreariness of the grey. Who knew this would turn into a metaphor for life as well; I now love cloudy days. I still have the rock you gave me to remind me of that too. You taught me to pray. I remember you coming home from work one day and telling us that you had had a very long "chat" with God. I had never thought about chatting with God before, it was a new concept that I now stick to. You told me not to be a statue child, to have character unlike anyone else. We were watching one of the boys at a choir concert and one of the choirs was singing an upbeat song but none of them were moving an inch and not even a smirk crossed their faces, you told me not to just stand around like those kids were. You said that when I feel like dancing to dance. I think I can say that I do have a pretty good amount of character, and I owe a lot of it to you, thanks.

I miss you. Watching Hey Arnold with you, Watching you and the boys shoot together, listening to your stories, playing with Snow Paw. I can still hear your voice. 

"Hey there!" 

"Dr. Erin Renee Holle-OBGYN" 

"Jeepers Martha!"

I can't believe it's been five years since I last heard it. Thank you for being my dad for 15 years. Thank you for laying out what a Christian life in a human world looks like. Thank you for always pointing me in the right direction and always being there even when I called at not so good times to beg you to come home.

I love you Dad, you'll always hold a special place. 

See you soon,

Erin Renee

"In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job...The LORD said to Satan, 'very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger...Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said...The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

5 years ago, I had no idea

September. Every year on September 1st I know what's coming in 10 days. I know that my sister's birthday is on the 11th and I will add 1 to the number of years my dad has been gone on the 12th. I pretty much sit and wait for a chaos of emotions to run through me and prepare myself to relive all the pain. But this year September has looked different.

I just realized that 5 years ago today I was in high school, sitting in biology class oblivious about the phone call that would interrupt the same class the very next day, the phone call that would begin the events that would turn my life upside down. I could not have anticipated what heart ache, confusion, change the next week would dump onto me. Or what trust, comfort, and growth the next 5 years would hold.

This September started out rough. When you anticipate something to be horrible, you can pretty much bet it will be because you subconsciously don't allow it to be anything but that.

"God where are you? Why do I have to go through this every September?"

 Then I realized how ridiculous I was being. I had labeled September as the month that would hurt and I knew the pain would put me in a bad mood, I didn't take the healing of Christ that has gotten me to this point or the joys he has brought me in the last 5 years into consideration at all.

One day last weekend, in the midst of over thinking the situation I was in that day, I started reading 2 Corinthians.  A couple phrases that really hit me:

                     -"6:4 as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way...in troubles, hardships and distress...10 sorrowful, yet always rejoicing"

            I have so much to rejoice about today.

                     -" 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles...5 through Christ our comfort overflows...9 this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God."

Praise be to God! I've learned so many lessons through processing everything that has happened from 2008 until now. I can't imagine who I would be today if all of that processing hadn't happened, all because I have a God who comforted and helped me to rely on Him instead of relying on myself to get through the death of a parent.

I sit here today, anticipating my sister's 5th birthday and the 5th anniversary of my dad's passing and I can say "it is well with my soul", I learned that I'm aloud to still miss my dad and ponder that week of my life while still not letting this anniversary give the devil a foot hold on me. Godly sorrow that leads to salvation [and trust and joy] instead of worldly sorrow that leads to death (2 Corinthians 7)
 God knew I would be made fatherless at 15, he knew everything else that week would hold as well and he knew how it would effect me, how it would result in moments of weakness, even 5 years later being 20 years old. He also knew the lessons he would teach me, the friendships he would form, and how I would fall so much more in love with him.

And to think, 5 years ago, I had no idea...

From craving to wrestling

This is my life. I can't get it out of my head. My life: everywhere I look I see ministry or am being told about ministry. Being told in my classes that I need to take a step back and look at it all. Being intimidated because 4 out of the 5 of my classes are religion. Looking forward and knowing that in two years, and even now, my life will be consumed by looking for ways to be a beacon. And now I find myself asking extremely hard questions. I often find myself telling my campers at Camp Lebanon to ask the hard questions because it's through those that we grow in what we believe, grow closer in relationships with God and grow closer to finding His will. I'm a hypocrite. I hate asking the hard questions, it scares me.

So now here I sit, scared out of my mind, literally. I've been zoning out and doing mindless things in order to get my mind to stop turning and asking and reasoning, knowing that if I allow myself to step back into my thoughts I'll ask questions that I don't know how to answer. I like having the answers, but I know that I can't have them all the time. I haven't even attended all my classes yet (one more to go) and I'm wrestling with questions like:

Am I walking down the right path to get to where God wants me to be?

Who do I need to surround myself with to get there?

Why do I want to work in ministry?

Am I cut out to study missiology, changing religion in America, and Bible interpretation? Or will it turn my relationship with God away from communing with Him to 100% studying Him. 

Will I end up knowing about Him more but knowing Him less?

What do I believe about predestination?

How do my beliefs now differ from the church I was raised in? How did that happen?

Will Pontius Pilate go to Heaven or Hell? After all, he showed signs of believing Jesus is King.

If there is no relationship between people, can it still be declared missions work?

I've never been in this position before. I've never scared myself by my own questions or been offended by someone so strongly questioning where I think God is leading me. I've never wrestled with my thoughts like this or been forced to trust quite like this.

A week ago I was craving to be changed and shaped. I was craving to find what it looks like to mean it when I say I love the Lord. Is this what that looks like?

I feel like I need a game plan. Like I need a step by step list of directions of how to do this. Problem is, there's not one. My only game plan: trust the only One I know is faithful. Surround myself with Him, and seek council from people I view as Christ-like.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine...

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

True Access

If you ever doubt the love Jesus has for you, read John where Jesus washes the feet of his disciples, tells them he is leaving them (chapter 13), comforts them, promises a counselor after he leaves (chapter 14) and prays for them (chapter 17). I was quite overwhelmed today because of how much it felt like he was speaking to me and about me.

Jesus promising the Holy Spirit played a major part in my overwhelmed state this morning. In chapter 14 he explains that the Spirit of truth will come and be with and in his followers, teaching us and reminding us the teachings of Jesus. In the world today truth is a foreign concept. But we, His followers, have the Spirit of truth with us, guiding us (16:13), convicting us (16:8), and teaching us (14:26). The Spirit of truth is promised to guide us into all truth, which is the word of God (17:17). Why do we overlook that? We have a counselor walking with us, showing us what is wrong and teaching us what we need to know. If we would only look to Him and turn our attention to Him more often.

Then, in chapter 17, Jesus prays. Even the thought of Jesus, who is one with God, praying to God blows my mind, but his words are words of a person in love, and his prayer is for his followers who were with him at the time as well as for us, his future (now present) followers. He prays for protection because he will no longer be there next to them to protect them (v11). He knows we are not strong enough on our own to protect ourselves. He knows that the world hates and will continue to hate those whom he has given the word but does not pray for God to remove his followers from the hateful place but to protect them from the evil one (v15). Then, he prays for our unity, not only unity with Them but unity with each other was well (v23).

Are we united? I would argue no. The lack of unity and the result of that breaks my heart. We have been foolish, not allowing the Spirit of truth to teach us, letting our own thoughts divide us. We have been prideful, thinking we can protect ourselves and those around us from the evil one on our own. Chapter 16 verse 2 warns us about how twisted the concept of truth will become; "a time is coming when anyone who kills you will think he is offering a service to God." At church this last Sunday part of the sermon was about the lack of access to the Gospel that people around the world have; over 2.8 billion have no access. And how important it is that the Church bring access to those people as a priority over focusing on the United States because the United States citizens have access. I do think that expanding the number of people with access to the gospel and to truth should be a priority. People in our society have access to "truth" more than people in the 10/40 window, yes. But what is the "truth" they have access to? Do we all have access to the truth that the Holy Spirit guides and teaches us in? No. Many only have access to twisted truth that is really not truth at all! The unity that Jesus prayed for portrays love, and the reaction to that love is the worlds belief. The Church must become united, showing love to our neighbors and, through that,prompting belief. Our neighbors are not only those in our Christian bubble: camp staff, dorm mates, those we sit next to at church. We need to bring true access to people who have zero as well as twisted access to the Gospel.

Holy Spirit, guide your followers into unity, that we may bring true access to truth back into our generation and generations to come.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

A Season of Craving

I understand that the title of this post is odd. It sounded odd when I said it out loud this morning too. But that's what I'm in right now, a season of craving.

I'm at school a week early because I'm on Orientation staff. A week before classes begin there is not a whole lot going on on campus, it's calm and quiet, which is weird and has left me a whole lot of time to think. This morning the group of O-staff started out the day with a devo. I love that moment when you've been studying a book of the Bible and then you go to sit down to listen to someone else lead a discussion and it happens to be on the same passage you looked at an hour or two prior; that happened today. In the midst of summer ending I've realized that I don't want to be influenced by this world (Ephesians 4:17-5:20). I've realized that I really want God to use this year for His purpose and to change me and if I become consumed by everything around me, that won't happen. I became used to being surrounded by a constant Christian support system, first the missionaries/interns in Guate and then the staff at camp. But now I'm in a different ball game.
I realized all of this this morning after the devo when we broke into small groups. We were supposed to tell the people we were with where we were at. Well, I'm craving God's un-explainable, evident works in my life.
I'm craving time to be set apart for me to be with Him and only Him.
I'm craving conversation with the people around me to be about what He has been doing.
I'm craving the feeling of purpose.
I'm craving the joy and love.

I'm craving what I had this summer.
But this craving is not a bad thing. In my last post I wrote about feelings of inferiority or being overwhelmed and not qualified--those feelings are not from God. But I think the feelings I have right now is just a conviction to fight.

I'm craving more. I want to know my King more, I want to please Him more. I want to know what He wants me to do next.

The post that I wrote when I got home from Guate had a plethora of lessons I had learned, this is one of those lessons:
"You can't just sit back on autopilot expecting a door to open, a moving sidewalk to usher you through it and God to change you without any effort on your part. You have to fight. Every day without stopping, expecting to encounter brokenness, trials, even death. You must stand firm, wearing armor that only comes from Him. But you must also rely on Him for your strength and your wisdom during the fight and work to make your character like His."


I'm craving more. I want to know my King more, I want to please Him more. But that's the thing, I have to open myself up to more, I have to fight. I'm not content with just having had a summer that brought me closer to God, I want that closeness to stay and to multiply. In order for that to happen I'm going to have to except that my surroundings have changed which poses new challenges for me to fight through.
 Before I left camp last week I told my boss that I want this year to change me and asked if he had any ideas of things I could work on. This was his answer:
"When you say you love God, challenge yourself to really mean it."
I do love my King. I always will. But what does it look like to mean that?

I'm in a season of craving. Craving to not become content but to push my faith into a place it's never been before. Craving to find the answer to that question.

It Happened in a Blink

I started planning this summer when I was 16 years old. I knew that if it worked out the way I wanted it to that it would be the best summer of my life but I never truly thought I'd get to this summer. From my 16 year old eyes, being 20 seemed light years away and traveling to a different country by myself and working at the camp I went to as a child was unthinkable.

Looking back at this summer, I can't believe it actually happened. God blessed me so much through this summer that it honestly feels like a dream. In two days I move back to Orange City to start another school year and I feel like I'm just waking up from something so amazing it refuses to be real. I knew at the end of last school year that my 3 month "break" would be amazing, but only God knew just how blown away I'd be. You guys, I'm honestly just baffled. And because I still can't find a way to wrap my mind around my summer I'm going to give you a brief play by play before I get to my point.

I went to Guatemala for 5 weeks and worked in an art school...Erin Holle worked in an ART school in GUATEMALA where they speak SPANISH. HELLO! under the laws of physics or genetics or somethin' that NEVER could have/should have worked out. But it did. How? Because God wanted it to and He did great things in many people's lives during those 5 weeks. I came back with new friends, new skills, new ways of looking at the world, and a new closeness to my King.

2 days after returning to the States I spent a week (more or less) at my grandparents' cabin on Baby Lake. I had been looking forward to relaxing by the lake, and thinking and telling my family about Guatemala. PLOT TWIST!! I got SO sick. A parasite named Randall, side affects from taking medication incorrectly, and a terrible cold because of my changed immune system, add cramps on top of all of that and it feels pretty miserable. If you define relaxation as sitting in a chair and not moving for 3 days, yea I did that. But it didn't feel relaxing, not even a little bit. However, it did slow me down enough to force time with my thoughts and left me with nobody to talk to but God.

Squeezed into that few days at the cabin was the 4th of July. Mhmm..way more exciting than just watching some fireworks this year. My best friend Megan got ENGAGED! That means in less than a year I will have another friend getting married! Exciting is an understatement.

I spent that next week at camp because, well to be honest, even though I've become more introverted this summer I do adore my time spent with people and couldn't stand being so close to my friends without seeing them. I also adore Camp Lebanon~A Meeting Place with God. Since I wasn't technically on staff for that week, and nobody really knew in advance that I was going to be there I just volunteered and helped out wherever I could. Through that week God showed me some aspects of what it looks like to be a leader in ministry in the States.

THEN (I know, it just keeps going, it's so great) my beautiful friend Nicki got married on July 20th. What a beautiful day it was. Full of love, joy, prayer, and smiles. CONGRATULATIONS ZACH AND NICKI WITTENBERG 

Following the wedding I got up at 5:30am and booked it back to Camp. For the next three weeks (ending today) I counseled at camp. Walking into it I was super overwhelmed and did not feel qualified whatsoever...lies from the enemy. I have been challenged immensely in the last 3 weeks. Each week God gave me some situation or thought that I had not dealt with before. I learned SO much, I wish there was a way to tell you, however, one of the pressing lessons was Philippians 1:27~"Whatever happens conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ". But overall, I learned that I am not in control of anything. I have 0 control, not even a little bit. I learned that that's a very very good thing, because if I didn't have someone guiding me, things would turn horribly sour before I knew what was even happening. I have been blown away by God's love and overwhelmed with joy that can only come from Him on a daily basis. God also gave me a glimpse at my future, which I have been begging for for quite some time considering this summer was the farthest my mind had wondered for the past 4 years. And even though it is a small view I'm ridiculously excited to move forward and unpack it.

So much has happened since I left Orange City. I'm still processing a lot of it. But I grew this summer in ways that I can't explain in a silly blog. The love, joy, and (somehow) peace that I was blessed with this summer blows my mind. At times (a lot of times this summer actually) I've been so overwhelmed by the constant love that I couldn't do anything to express my thanks to Him but throw up my hands, laugh and shake my head because of being so awestruck.

He is GOOD.

He is LOVE.

He is LIGHT.

He is HOPE.

He is PEACE.

He is TRUE.

He is JOY.

He is LIFE.

My heart will sing no other name.

Struggling to be Content

I did not know it was possible to miss a place as much as I miss Guatemala right now. I would be willing to take my nasty parasite medicine every day for the rest of my life if it meant being able to spend just one more week, one more day, with my friends who are now many miles away from me.

I've officially been home for a week. I've been thinking about what I could possibly write this blog post about and there are so many things: The pain I feel being away from my friends, how introverted I've become, what has been easy about being home, how home no longer feels like home, the jealousy I feel when looking at pictures of other people smiling with the art school students, the possibilities are endless.

As I sit here, I'm still not really sure what I want to write about, but I know there are things I need to get off my chest, so I just hope it comes out cognitively. All I know is that God brought me to Guatemala for a reason. And looking back at pictures and my blog posts and my journal, I am told that loud and clear. But the hardest thing to accept is that God brought me back to the states for a reason as well. 

During our debrief, before we (the first session of interns) left to come back to the states we were forced to face our emotions about leaving. We got asked many hard questions that sometimes we just didn't have the words to answer. One of these difficult questions was: "Where am I in the process of discovering my true calling and what role did my experience [in Guatemala] play in this process?"

One of the things that I learned about Americans while I was in Guatemala is that we like to know what is coming next, we like to have a laid out plan that is written in stone. However, the problem with that is, (as many Christ followers have come to learn throughout their lives) our plans are not always God's plans, and God does not always lay out the blue prints of our lives for us to see exactly when we want to see them.
Before I left school, I changed my major to "Christian Education/Youth Ministry" with a minor in "Teaching English as a Second Language". When I left school for the summer I was still a little weary of the decision. This weariness mostly came from people asking me questions like "well, what is your plan?" or "what are you going to do with that?" well, I wasn't sure. Before I left for Guatemala I told my mom "If God doesn't use this trip to answer my questions about my future, I'm not going back to school." But God did answer my questions. He told me, you are going to love Me and love others, you are going to honor Me and teach others about Me, you are going to follow my commands even when it's hard and even when people look at you like you're crazy for going to school for a ministry degree.

So I guess I have to be content with being back in the states. Because if God didn't want me here right now, I wouldn't be here right now. He would have made me lose my passport or shut down the airport or something. Because I am 100% sure that God won't let me go anywhere that He doesn't intend to use me. I have to be content with seeing pictures of other people hugging and smiling with the students at the art school and the people of Magdalena because that means they are being loved and that's what I want most. I have to find a way to serve my King in this confusing time of feeling like I don't belong, and that is exactly what I intend to do.

Being back is way more difficult than I imagined it would be. I am a different person on the inside, I'm just struggling to let that person out now. I've become what some people might call a "bottler" with all my emotions stored up inside me, wanting to always just be left alone with my thoughts. And for a person who left the country very emotional, extroverted and most of the time willing to share my thoughts, that's not exactly a good place to be. But I'm working on it, and I'm sure God will help me turn things around and be the Erin that he refined me to be while I was in Guatemala.

Guatemala is beautiful but not magical

First of all, I got this blog working again! I don't know what happened or why I wasn't able to access it from Guatemala but if you're interested in reading what I wrote while I was in Guatemala you can find those posts here.

I can't believe I'm already sitting back in my living room typing this. I seriously felt like I was here yesterday staring at all the things I needed to pack in order to leave May 23. I didn't realize how quickly this time would go by or how many lessons God would squeeze into 5 weeks. A week or two before I left, the other interns and I had dinner with the wife of one the staff members and she asked us what we all had learned. I was suddenly hit with the realization that I had been a part of so much and I hadn't stopped to think about what I had learned from all of it. So for the last week that I was in Magdalena I began to process what I had learned. This is a little of what I came up with:

Lesson #1: You can't just sit back on autopilot expecting a door to open, a moving sidewalk to usher you through it and God to change you without any effort on your part. You have to fight. Every day without stopping, expecting to encounter brokenness, trials, even death. You must stand firm, wearing armor that only comes from Him. But you must also rely on Him for your strength and your wisdom during the fight and work to make your character like His.

Lesson #2: When you give your heart to God He is going to take you seriously, there are no take backs. Ask Him for patience and He is going to give you something to build your patience. Ask Him to give you His heart and break yours, He will introduce you to people who will break it: Josephina, Ruth, Nanci, Albertina. Tell Him to take over your mind and your actions and all of a sudden you will find yourself constantly thinking about Him and constantly thinking about how you can serve Him and His people, whatever the cost.

Lesson #3: I am not the celebrity, my King is. I found myself asking the question "Erin, why are you doing this? Because it's what you're supposed to be doing or is God behind it?" Anyone can go to a different country and do good deeds, and interact with the people there. But when God is behind it there is so much more, so much more meaning behind everything that happens. Conversations are no longer half-hearted, nor are actions. My King is not only the celebrity in Guatemala...
When I come home, I do not want it to be about me. I do not want my stories to be about what Erin did in Guatemala. I want them to be about what God did while Erin was in Guatemala.

Lesson #4: But God. I walked through multiple situations that were too big for me to handle. I also was told many life stories that are too hurtful and dark for any person to handle. In situations like those there is always a "but God..." to go after the scary situation or the heartbreaking story.
John 1:5 ~ The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not overcome it. 

Lesson #5: I learned to remind myself that Jesus knows the pain we go through. He was tempted just as we are when we are in hard situations (Hebrews 4:14). He also felt sadness and heartbreak as we do (John 11:35). I learned that this can be great comfort when I am struggling or hurting and confused in the midst of a difficult situation.

I learned SO many things during my 5 weeks in Guatemala. These 5 don't even make a dent on the rant I could go on about what God taught me.
I learned that a shining light is of no use if it is not seen. How can you change the world if you're scared to be in it?
I learned to be humble.
I learned that sometimes, in the midst of poverty and in the midst of heartbreak, people just want to be heard.
I learned that I can worship my King with every act and every thought.
I learned to love and how to reflect the love that He has shown me my whole life.
And I learned that there is no better place to be than in the center of God's will.

                                           2am. Ready to go! May 23rd.

                           5 month old baby Cindy. The little sister of on of my students.

                                     I don't think I'll ever master the art of making tortillas.

        Telma teaching the kids how to make their paintings better, and cracking a joke as she does it.

                                       Armando finishing up a painting of Antigua

                                  Nanci, Andy, and Beverly. Oh how I love these kids.

  The boys of the art school (and Telma) getting ready to play soccer against the boys of San Miguel.

The beautiful Guatemala.

Most importantly, I learned that (in the words of one of the very wise ladies I worked with) Guatemala is not a magical place. You do not need to be in Guatemala to see God work, He works elsewhere as well. The difference is that God is made the priority in the lives of people interacting with SI Guatemala. Now He must be made the priority here as well.

"When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within"