Help Me Get Home

Okay, now that I've stopped shaking, I'm going to recap what just happened (like literally 10 minutes ago).

First a few disclaimers:
1. I may be a chicken about a lot of things, but I've done some pretty crazy things too
       example A: cliff jumping. example B: climbing an active volcano
2. I haven't been afraid of a storm since I was about 13-years-old. Ever sense then, I've loved storms. (until today)

So today was the beginning of fall break. After I finished my paper I took off to come back to Litchfield. I was watching the sun set and saw some dark clouds and rain off to one side of the pinks and oranges. For the next three hours I watched the rain trek toward my car. At this point, I still thought it was cool. When I got just outside of Wilmar (half an hour away from my home town) my mom called just to see how the drive was going. I told her that I was watching a storm roll toward me and that the lightning was getting pretty close. She told me I should think about pulling over, but it was only sprinkling at this point so I told her nothing was happening and it was fine. 5 minutes later, the radio station I was listening went out and when it came back the DJ said "that, ladies and gents, was a lightning strike" immediately after that a gust of wind jerked my car and sheets of rain started coming down; I couldn't see anything. I pulled over in the Target parking lot and sprinted for the doors that were being held closed by some of the employees. I stood with some other people by the doors for a long while watching the rain sweep across the parking lot. 20 minutes later I was talking to a woman who had a radar up on her phone, she said she was going to Litchfield too and now would be a good time to go because it's the lightest its going to be before the storm wraps around and comes back through. I didn't think it was such a great idea, the rain was still coming down pretty hard, but I decided to trust this random stranger and we sprinted to our cars together. She totally ditched me, stopped at an Arby's drive through; cool, lady.

I still decided to try to get home and in my head asked God to send me a different car to follow home. He didn't, every car that I got behind would eventually turn off. Tonight was the first time I've gripped my steering wheel so hard my hands hurt, the first time that the only reason I knew I was still on the road was because of the rumble stripes I kept hitting, the first time I cried while behind the wheel, the first night I was literally shaking while driving. (I know what you're thinking...'and you kept driving, why?' I honestly don't know the answer to this question. But tonight was also the first time I called to God out loud out of fear. I practically screamed to Jesus to help me, just to help me get home. Now, the fear may have been an over reaction. But when there is not a car on the road going faster than 40, and I can't see the lines on either side of me, and I am constantly hydroplaning, I get a little freaked out.

As I was driving, I had to keep reminding myself not to look out the windows at the lightning or the rain. I just needed to focus my eyes forward and focus on getting home. I realize now that I need to keep those things in mind as I'm walking through metaphorical storms in my life. Don't look out the windows and dwell about the scary things happening around me, cry out to God and focus on getting Home to Him.

Holy buckets, am I glad I'm home.
Moral of the story:
1. learn from every situation
2. don't dwell on the storm going on around you, focus on our God who is stronger than the storm (whether that be a literal storm or a metaphorical one)
3. don't listen to random women in target who tell you to go home. they will ditch you for Arby's

Dear Guatemala...

Dear Guatemala,

        I think I miss you as much right now as I did the minute I landed in the States. Part of me feels completely out of place, and I know that in a sense, that's true. I would do anything to hop on a plane and come back right this minute. Living here while my heart is with you is so hard sometimes; right now is one of those times.
       I miss the little things the most. Today rain was in the forecast, I prayed that God would let it down pour at about 3:00. I want to lay in bed and hear rain pounding on the roof, I want to walk home from work through water and mud filled streets and paths and get drenched.
      Speaking of work, I want to walk up the stairs into the art school. Words cannot describe how much I just want to hug my students and watch them paint. I want to paint with Andy and hear him laugh as he encourages me and says that I won't mess up his painting.

I want to hear them make fun of my lack of artistic skills and my obsession with chocolate and coffee. To hear Thelma scream "RENEE!" and tell me what I was supposed to be doing instead of talking with students or point to the stairs and tell me to go visit Albertina.

I want to go to the tienda with my students and play soccer with them and watch them wrestle with each other. I want to be back in the woods walking with Thelma and the students, racing up the hills and in between trees screaming with joy and freedom. I want Thelma to walk with me and tell me what things are and explain to me things that I don't understand.
      I want to walk up the ridiculously steep hills to Pastor Mario's house and step over Oso to get through the door, to see Rochelle running around. I want her to sit on my lap and beg me to let her play with my phone and get the screen protector ridiculously dirty. I want to hear her squeaky little voice say "porfa Emita!" I want to sit and play pesca in a plastic chair that could fall out from under me at any second.

I want to go home to my brothers! I want to hear Jeffry laugh uncontrollably until he starts crying and hides his face in his shirt. I want to have staring contests with Wilmar across the table while Alison and Jose are having a serious conversation. I want to get into a laughing fit with Wilmar about things that are not funny, only to have Kevin look at us like we're crazy and Jose to tell us we're children. I want to get in a stuffed animal war with Justin. I want to look under the table only to find him tying my shoe laces together. I want to lay awake in my bed listening to a recorder being played. I want to hear their voices shouting to our mom.

I want my mom! Having two moms is a strange concept, but you gave me one. Antonieta is the greatest, I want her to laugh at me trying to make tortillas. I want her to poke her head into my room and say "desayuno esta lista!" I want her oatmeal bake for breakfast, I want her to ask me how tired I am.
I want to share my room with Alison again. Going back and forth with Disney quotes, discussing our days, discussing how tired we are and comparing bug bites but saying we wouldn't change a thing for the world (well, minus the bug bites). And I wouldn't, not a bit of it.
         Guatemala, you have my heart. You always will. Some day, I will come back. There's no possible way that I can stay here with this feeling much longer. I want my fellow interns, I want the full time missionaries, I want my family, I want my home.

I love you always, Guatemala. And I miss you more and more each and every day.