Silence Broken

(Sunday, September 30)
"You're My beloved, lover I'm yours. Death shall not part us, it's you I died for. For better or worse, forever we'll be, My love it unites us and it binds you to Me.
You've been a mistress, My wife. You're chasing lovers that won't satisfy. Won't you let Me make you My bride? You will drink of My lips and you'll taste new life."

Those lyrics are from Tenth Avenue North's song, "Beloved". It's been one of my favorite songs for quite some time now, and I think it's because it's written as if the LORD were singing to us, to me. Whenever I feel like I'm not quite good enough, whenever I feel like I'm being overwhelmed or consumed or what have you, I listen to this song. This last week wore me down, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I was zonked by Friday (lets be serious, I was zonked by Tuesday). Normally, having an exhausting week is fine every now and again, but I still felt like I hadn't recovered from the previous week. I decided I was in serious need of connecting with God. I felt like I had fallen, except this time was different than others. I had no feeling that God was trying to teach my something or remind me of something, God was silent, and I came to the realization that I had not heard His voice all week.

Today I chose not to go to the church I regularly attend on Sunday mornings. I was tired of looking to people to lead me to the Lord, tired of going to church just because it's a Sunday morning habit, I just wanted the Spirit to lead me to Himself. After some worshiping I turned to Jeremiah 3 and read chapters 3-6.

"If a man divorces his wife and she leaves him

and marries another man, should he return to her again?

Would not the land be completely defiled?

But you have lived as a prostitute with many lovers-

would you now return to me?" (3:1)

After a week of looking to material things, sleep, and humans for my strength and as my outlet, that being the first verse I read while looking to reconnect with God was a smack right to face. Throughout this passage the author writes how God reacts to a faithless Judah. I finally stopped after chapter 6 and prayed about how I was feeling. How I felt that I am faithless Judah. I was prompted to turn to Jude, the book directly before Revelation. The first part of Jude says that men of the past were written about as an example of those who suffer punishment, but how those kind of men have "slipped in among [us]" (verse 4) They "change the grace of our God into a license for immorality and deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord".

(Monday, September 20)
I've definitely felt the stirring of truth being twisted in me this last week, of self-deception creeping up and threatening to take over. Today I had my Beth Moore Bible study, we watched the third session about  the contrast of Truth and lies. One of the things that really hit me was this:

my "truth" + Satan's lies = captivity

There are so many lies that Satan weasels into my mind. One of these lies is that I can be filled by things other than God. I can turn to sleep to feel peace, to academics to feel worth, to friends to feel comfort and everything will continue as I plan. It is this lie that eventually brings me feeling so low as to claiming the role of faithless Judah, an adulterous wife, a weak and needy child begging for my life to go back to how it once was.

However, my truth, that is what I perceive as truth taking from my environment and my experiences, is just that; a perception detached from God's Truth. My "truth" is so easily swayed. It's so easy for me to believe that I have no worth, that I am alone, that my plans are the only thing I have to rely on, that the things around me will fill me and make me feel whole. (and I'm sure I'm not the only one prone to these thoughts)

But there is beauty looming above all of this mess. God "applies His truth to our needy lives."

"My weakness will never trump God's strength." God gives me the power to "build [myself] up in [my] most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit. [to keep myself] in God's love as [I] wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Jude 20-21)

It's only Monday. The silence was broken yesterday when God spoke directly to my heart and taught me so many things (if I were to write them all, you'd surely get bored and go back to Facebook). However, it's only Monday and the lies have already begun to creep up again. It only took half a day for me to have another break down about life. Less than 24 hours after God used His Word to tell me to build myself up in my faith (Jude 20), a situation occurred that has made me cry out in confusion. But

"To him who is able to keep you from falling...to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord" -Jude 24

"1God is our refuge and strength, 

an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way...

4There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

the holy place where the Most High dwells. 

5God is within her, she will not fall;

God will help her at break of day...

7The LORD Almighty is with us;

The God of Jacob is our fortress"

Psalm 46

The yoke is being shattered

"As I sit behind this screen typing words the way they seem they come spinning out my soul leave me bare and so exposed. And as I sort through all this mess that's always jumbled in my head I'm ashamed of who I am, a wayward son, a wayward man. And I find that my heart is a traitor inside, can You come and vindicate it? I wanna love you but I don't understand why my heart is a traitor. I love what I can't stand. I wanna follow all that You've ever said, but my heart is a traitor. I want to be free of this, can You break me free of this?" -David Dunn, Traitor

My heart is a traitor. I've realized lately that I dwell on things for a lot longer than I should. Little things that probably wouldn't matter to any one except me. I dwell on them so much that they stop me from getting my head on strait and focusing on what I need to focus on. When this happens, my mind as well as my heart get so side tracked that often times it stops me from looking to God for my success. I get stuck in a rut.

Yesterday 10 girls and I started Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" Bible study. I'm ridiculously excited about this study. We watched the introduction last night and I did my first "homework" for the study this morning.

For the past few days, especially Saturday and Sunday, God has been noticeably preparing my heart for this study. Being "set free" kept coming up, multiple times a day. Whether it was conversation with a friend, the "Jesus Calling" for that day, or the Pastor's sermon, it seriously came up ALL the time! When it first began to show up continually my thought was "okay, God, I get it. I'm bound by so many things right now that are hindering me from coming to you, I get it, you can stop now." Thankfully, He didn't stop. He knew I understand that I was in bondage but He also knew that just because I see and understand something doesn't mean that I'll do anything about it.

Last night in the introduction Beth said so many things that hit me in the gut.

One of the first things was what she said after we read Judges 6:1-6, the first verse in this passage is "Again the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the LORD" Beth emphasized the word 'again', we know things are wrong but we keep doing them again and again and AGAIN. "Why did I do this AGAIN?" has been a question I have asked myself over and over in my 20 years. But then she said

"You can be freed from your 'again'."

I want that so bad, I want to be freed from my 'again', from everything that hinders me from walking hand in hand with the Lord all the time. I don't want to slip backwards AGAIN.

God is opening my eyes to bondage in my life that I was too blind to even realize was there. I'm learning that just because the chains haven't cut into my skin and caused pain yet doesn't mean they aren't there holding me down. I realized this past week that I have chains that have caused wounds in the past, that have cut deep but just because the wound has healed doesn't mean that I've been freed from that chain, I've just found ways to nurture the wounds the chains have caused so that they don't hurt. God has the power to free me.

"Today is the day of God's favor!" God has given me so many blessings! For example:

Side note: open your eyes to the blessings in your life. It sound cliche but really, it's so simple just to walk around all day on autopilot, but when you do that you miss so much. Figure out whats got you in your rut, nip it in the bud and enjoy this beautiful Tuesday

"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned...For as in the day of Midians' defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them"

Isaiah 9:2,4

Dear Dad

For those of you who never met my dad: shoot, I wish you could have met him. I've decided that he's the one who gave me most of my character and taught me how to take life seriously but not take myself seriously. He's the one who impacted my decision to pursue a ministry degree and the one I think of when I'm trying to make a tough decision. 5 years ago today, he went Home.

Dear Dad,

How is it even possible that you've been gone for five years? I want you to know that I'm drinking mountain dew and eating a butterfingers bar for you today and I don't even care about the calories (okay, I do a little bit but it's for you).

            Most people yesterday and today have been thinking about terrorist attacks and our nation, but when their minds are there my mind is always in a completely different place. My mind is on you, Dad.

           I'm curious what our relationship would look like if you were here today. Looking back on the last five years there are so many things I wish I could have shared with  you. Getting glasses, I know this doesn't seem like a big deal but you told me once to grow my hair to my butt and get glasses. Well, my hair was pretty close (not my greatest moment by the way) and I got glasses. Getting my drivers License, I remember you teaching me how to drive. We were driving to Grandpa's house, Jacob was in the back seat upset because I got to drive and he didn't. You told me I was too uptight and needed to chill out, once I had you said "good, now go 80." Jacob freaked out and I looked at you and laughed and all you said was "I wasn't kidding." Guatemala in 2009 and again in 2013, I love Guatemala and I know you would have loved hearing about it. And the great part is, even if you didn't want to hear about it you would sit and listen because you always made what's important to me important to you, I miss that about you, not many people do that. Graduating high school, you said you were going to bring a beach towel because you'd be crying so much. Moving to College, I freaked out and I still freak out every time I move in for a new school year. There are countless stories I could tell you that I know you would get a kick out of.  Sometimes things happen that only you would find funny and I'm left laughing my head off unable to explain to people why they're funny. They just are and I can't stop laughing, I'm not exaggerating. I also look into the future and know there are events coming that would look a lot different if you would be standing by my side but you told me to make the most of each day, not waste my days thinking too heavily about the future.

             Emma is beautiful, Dad. Not so much of a baby anymore, you would be so in love with her. I can't imagine you interacting with her though, because she's quite the girl. She likes princesses and horses, and wears dresses, not something you had when I was little. Some day I'll tell her how hilarious you were, and tell her your expectations of being your daughter as well as the daughter of our King.

I want you to know that I'm in a good spot. I don't mean physically, well, I guess Orange City is pretty swell, but I mean mentally and spiritually, I know who I am. You told me to stay independent, creative, and joyful, I think I have. I'm a Christian Education major, taking after you, I want nothing more than to serve my King. I wish I could have your insight, but I know you'd be cheering me on in this decision with a really long obnoxious whistle louder than anyone could imagine a whistle being.

I still remember all the lessons you taught me, there are some that I don't think you knew you taught me. Once we were driving and the sky was cloudy and grey. I was complaining that I hated the sky when it was grey, I wanted it to be blue. You told me that even when there are clouds in the sky, the sky is still blue; the beauty of the blue is always behind the sometimes dreariness of the grey. Who knew this would turn into a metaphor for life as well; I now love cloudy days. I still have the rock you gave me to remind me of that too. You taught me to pray. I remember you coming home from work one day and telling us that you had had a very long "chat" with God. I had never thought about chatting with God before, it was a new concept that I now stick to. You told me not to be a statue child, to have character unlike anyone else. We were watching one of the boys at a choir concert and one of the choirs was singing an upbeat song but none of them were moving an inch and not even a smirk crossed their faces, you told me not to just stand around like those kids were. You said that when I feel like dancing to dance. I think I can say that I do have a pretty good amount of character, and I owe a lot of it to you, thanks.

I miss you. Watching Hey Arnold with you, Watching you and the boys shoot together, listening to your stories, playing with Snow Paw. I can still hear your voice. 

"Hey there!" 

"Dr. Erin Renee Holle-OBGYN" 

"Jeepers Martha!"

I can't believe it's been five years since I last heard it. Thank you for being my dad for 15 years. Thank you for laying out what a Christian life in a human world looks like. Thank you for always pointing me in the right direction and always being there even when I called at not so good times to beg you to come home.

I love you Dad, you'll always hold a special place. 

See you soon,

Erin Renee

"In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job...The LORD said to Satan, 'very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger...Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said...The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

5 years ago, I had no idea

September. Every year on September 1st I know what's coming in 10 days. I know that my sister's birthday is on the 11th and I will add 1 to the number of years my dad has been gone on the 12th. I pretty much sit and wait for a chaos of emotions to run through me and prepare myself to relive all the pain. But this year September has looked different.

I just realized that 5 years ago today I was in high school, sitting in biology class oblivious about the phone call that would interrupt the same class the very next day, the phone call that would begin the events that would turn my life upside down. I could not have anticipated what heart ache, confusion, change the next week would dump onto me. Or what trust, comfort, and growth the next 5 years would hold.

This September started out rough. When you anticipate something to be horrible, you can pretty much bet it will be because you subconsciously don't allow it to be anything but that.

"God where are you? Why do I have to go through this every September?"

 Then I realized how ridiculous I was being. I had labeled September as the month that would hurt and I knew the pain would put me in a bad mood, I didn't take the healing of Christ that has gotten me to this point or the joys he has brought me in the last 5 years into consideration at all.

One day last weekend, in the midst of over thinking the situation I was in that day, I started reading 2 Corinthians.  A couple phrases that really hit me:

                     -"6:4 as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way...in troubles, hardships and distress...10 sorrowful, yet always rejoicing"

            I have so much to rejoice about today.

                     -" 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles...5 through Christ our comfort overflows...9 this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God."

Praise be to God! I've learned so many lessons through processing everything that has happened from 2008 until now. I can't imagine who I would be today if all of that processing hadn't happened, all because I have a God who comforted and helped me to rely on Him instead of relying on myself to get through the death of a parent.

I sit here today, anticipating my sister's 5th birthday and the 5th anniversary of my dad's passing and I can say "it is well with my soul", I learned that I'm aloud to still miss my dad and ponder that week of my life while still not letting this anniversary give the devil a foot hold on me. Godly sorrow that leads to salvation [and trust and joy] instead of worldly sorrow that leads to death (2 Corinthians 7)
 God knew I would be made fatherless at 15, he knew everything else that week would hold as well and he knew how it would effect me, how it would result in moments of weakness, even 5 years later being 20 years old. He also knew the lessons he would teach me, the friendships he would form, and how I would fall so much more in love with him.

And to think, 5 years ago, I had no idea...