Tastes like an old boot (Praying for Taylor)

I decided to write this post about and inspired by my friend Taylor who is currently fighting for her life. This is one of those times when pretending to know the answers isn't going to do any good and the tears come at unexpected moments. One of those times when even if we haven't spoken to God personally in awhile, we find ourselves calling out to Him with everything in us.

I met Taylor the summer after my freshman year in school; my first year working at camp. I had no idea who she was, she had no idea who I was. But as the summer moved forward we became family as camp staff does. Laughs. Hugs. Frisbee. Movie quotes. Belly slaps. Turtle hunting. Discussing God. Discussing missions. Prayer. These are my memories from camp of Taylor.

It's hard to understand. Scratch that. I think it's impossible to understand why things like this happen. Why did Taylor's heart have to stop? I don't know. During my T.A.G (time alone with God) time this morning I read about the character of God and His love was emphasized. "His love endures forever" was the quote that Beth Moore drove home; she wrote:
"At times, the mountains God has created will quake into the sea. But His love endures forever. Riches will come and riches will go. But His love endures forever. Sometimes we'll be healed from physical afflictions and sometimes we won't. But His love endures forever." Thank you Beth for that reminder.

One weekend, during our summer working at camp Taylor, myself, and our friend Alissa stayed at camp while everyone else went home. We belly slapped and quoted "The Little Rascals" like it was nobody's business. We got pretty good at impersonating the voices of some of the characters. Our Favorite? "Tastes like an old boot." "Actually it's a sneaker!"


Taylor, this situation tastes worse than an old boot. I want you to know that not an hour goes by that I don't check your caring bridge for an update and praying that the update will say that the doctors are flabbergasted and you've woken up. I love you Tay. You've blown up my news feed on facebook; pictures, videos, prayers, prayers, and more prayers; I think we've hit "pray without ceasing" right on the head. I know that you're looking to God right now for what is going to happen to you next, and so I am too; as I run out of new ways to say it I continue to pray that God will heal you in whatever way He wants that to look. In a dry time in my prayer life you've taught me to pray again, you prompted me to look to God in a way that I haven't for a while. And I can't imagine that I'm the only one who can say that. It's hard to think about you in the situation that you're in right now. It's even more difficult to think back to 2 months ago when we were counseling for Dad's n Daughters together in Zambia and at the end of the weekend what you said to me:
"This is weird. I'm not coming back to camp, we may not see each other again this side of Heaven."
We're not giving up Tay. We're praying day in and day out and believing the One who still today works miracles. Lean on our Father, Tay, wait for Him, His love for you endures forever.

One thing I ask from the Lord,
    this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
    and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
    he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
    and set me high upon a rock...I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord. ~Psalm 27: 4-5/13-14

A New Title a New Focus

So much has happened since the last time I posted anything. Sometimes I feel like in order to post something it has to be profound, but it's my blog so I guess that's not entirely true. About a month ago when I went home a man from my church asked me "how often do you post?" I answered with "whenever I have something to say." But I realized lately that I have had a lot to say, I just haven't figured out how to say it; I have about three drafts in my "posts" archive that I haven't published because they just don't get it right. (And this one will more than likely not do justice to what God has been showing me either) This season of my life has definitely been about growing and wrestling and frustration and asking and wrestling some more. Predestination, the presence of God, worship, and obedience are a few things I've been thinking about lately.

The presence of God and Obedience are the two most recent. A few weeks ago I realized that we generally do not encounter God like the people written about in the Bible did. The people we read about were awestruck in God's presence; they fell on their faces, they were ruined, they died, they tore their clothes, they shaved their heads, one encounter with the Lord changed their lives and their identity. I felt that I had labeled the Lord as a "chum" or a "friend" and that took away the reverence. I tried to encounter Him on my time and greeted Him as I do my roommate with a very rehearsed "hey, I haven't seen you all day" followed by a truck load of everything in my life that has been wrong. Don't get me wrong, God does have the characteristics of a friend but God should be approached with more awe than we approach our earthly friends with.

On the topic of obedience I've come to realize that I'd been approaching God as I did my mother growing up. Getting as close to the boundary line that marks obedience from disobedience as I could with a sly smirk on my face. "Do you see me, mom? I'm not breaking the rules, I'm just walking the line like a tight rope." And eventually, when I got older, crossing that line but assuring my mom that I had everything under control and could handle it myself but as soon as something went wrong asking in a frustrated tone "hey, why didn't you stop me?"
"Do you see me God? This is the way I'm going to go. I'll give you till the count of three to stop me...1...2...hello? I'm walking the line here, aren't you going to stop me? Okay, well if you're not going to stop me, I must be right." And just like that I fall flat on my butt and am left wondering how I got there. Authority. I fall time and time again because, just like the children of Israel, I have an authority problem. Beth Moore puts it this way: " In essence, God was saying, 'You've got things turned around. Let's get this straight: Me, God. You, human. Me, Creator. You, creature. Me, Potter. You, clay. You obey...not for My good but for yours." It's a good thing our God is patient and merciful because I can't count how many times He's had to humble me and pick me up off my butt reminding me that I am not God, He is.

And with realizing these things, among many many others that God has so graciously taught me this school year, I've realized that I am in no way "love incarnated" and did not intend to label myself as such in the first title of this blog (news flash: the only incarnated perfect love is Jesus), I'm love in training, continuously learning, continuously getting things wrong. So I've changed the title of my blog to "A Learning Heart" in hopes that I'll approach my next year and half in school like I approached Guatemala this summer, and begin to approach God as more than a buddy and continue to learn what it means and what it looks like when I say that I love God.
{I was right, didn't do justice at all, therefor we'll just say: To be continued}