Steal My Show

Lately I've been focusing on this verse:

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." ~Galatians 1:10~

Sometimes I really do fear that I do what I do to make people happy instead of to make God happy. Am I going to Texas to be a "good Northwestern student"? Am I going to Guatemala to prove to people that I wasn't lying four years ago? Do I read my Bible because it's what my friends expect to see me doing? Am I a youth ministry minor because that's what my pastor told me I'd be good at? Of course not! but sometimes that's how it feels.

Today in my Christian Education class we discussed roles of the Holy Spirit. One that really caught my eye was that the Holy Spirit reveals to us what Jesus wants to be known (John 16: 13/14). It hit me that my actions are not the only thing that makes up my faith and I started thinking about all the times that I have gone on theological tangents in my head (my thoughts are obviously not an act to please people if they are not voiced) and the time I have spent in prayer (also generally not voiced to my fellow human beings). Then tonight I began reading the book of Philippians. Chapter 1 verse 15 talks about people's reasons for preaching; "It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill." Which brings me back to the question in Galatians.

All of these questions flooding through my head about why I live the way I live and Im 31 hours away from leaving on my first trip. My prayer has become the song above as well as the first few verses of Philippians 2.  

"Be like minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus"

It's hit me that in order to gain the attitude of Jesus we need to rely on the Holy Spirit to reveal to us the thoughts we need to have and the ways we need to live. My Christian Education teacher, Jackie Smallbones, told us today that 'the Holy Spirit is to us today what Jesus was to the people he taught when he was living on Earth'.

Only the LORD can enable me to live and work for Him and not man, and I pray that I have that attitude as I leave to serve the people of Lindale, Texas. I pray that God would remove my thoughts, my complaints and my words from me and 'steal my show' so that people can only see Him.

My challenge to you is to stop and think about who is on center stage of your show. Why do you live the way you do? Are you living for you? other people? God?

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men"

Colossians 3:23

So extremely blessed

This weekend my mom came to visit! She came to bring me some clothes for my trip to Texas but she did so much more than that. As she was on her way down here, planning to arrive at 10:30am I was thinking 'How the heck am I supposed to entertain my mom for a full day and half?' She was planning to stay overnight on Saturday so she could come to church with me Sunday morning.

She could not have come at a better time. I hadn't seen her since Christmas break and in the middle of my struggle of not wanting to go on my missions trips all I wanted was my mom. But even more than that, having my mom in my presence this weekend made me feel so blessed.

Saturday night a fellow student at Northwestern lost her mom, dad, brother, and sister in  a car accident. There's not much that can be said to follow that; the extent of the hurt being felt is unimaginable. I keep thinking back to the hospital hallway when I was 15 years old, crying until I was physically in pain because my father was nearing the end of his life, now I try to fathom multiplying that times four; my heart breaks.

Through the heartache it has been inspiring seeing the community that is Northwestern College come together to lift up the family in constant prayer. Even though some of us do not know Brittany on a personal level we hurt for her and with her because she is our sister in Christ; she is one of us. Our minds go blank, we are speechless and all we can do is cry out to God and ask Him make His love unmistakably noticeable

It reminds us that God's plan will be what prevails, that our lives are a mist, we are like grass, here one day and gone the next. Please pray for Brittany and her family and all those feeling the affects of this weekend that God will be their consuming comfort and turn this into a great testimony. And please go tell your loved ones just how loved they are.

Just call me Jonah

My apologies if you're getting sick of reading about missions trips but hey, the point of my blog is to write about what's on my mind and this is what is on my mind most of the time.

count down to missions trips:
Texas: 1 week and 1 day
Guatemala: 3 months and 1 day

At this point if you as me if I'm excited, my answer is no. I just want to stay home on my couch drinking coffee and watching TV; I want to remain comfortable. One thing that being at Northwestern has taught me is that sometimes I need to dig deeper to find the true meaning of things, when I think about the deeper reasoning of not wanting to leave, at this point it is simply that I'm afraid.

I'm afraid I'll forget something important when I leave. I'm afraid something will happen in the airport. I'm afraid of leaving my family. I'm afraid I won't make an impact. I'm afraid of being by myself for 6 weeks.

When I think about this I find myself with two opposite reactions; a thought on each shoulder if you will.

thought 1: The second you step on that plane there is no going back. You will be in a world of unknowns.

thought 2: Don't be ignorant, you won't be alone. There will be the other interns, the full time staff, the people of Magdelena, etc., God has enabled you to not be afraid to talk to strangers and God has never called you to be comfortable.

Don't get me wrong. Just because I'm scared doesn't mean I'm not going. I am 100% sure that by going to Guatemala I will be in the center of God's will. I've been praying for this opportunity for 4 years and knew that God was capable of sending me back if it were to be His will; I just never got to the point of thinking about sitting on that plane. And now I sit here in my dorm room, that is the only picture in my head.

In the book "Arise" by Clayton and Ellen Kershaw, Ellen, writing about her first trip by herself to Africa writes "sometimes a leap of faith seems more like a jump over the Grand Canyon." I cannot imagine that any part of a jump over the side of the Grand Canyon would be too pleasant, and that is exactly how I feel at this moment. However, directly after that she writes:

"When you move toward the Lord's will, there is a good chance you will find those two competing emotions: fear and excitement. I cannot imagine where I would be today if I had let fear win in my heart. I would have missed Africa! Perhaps there is an area in your life where the Lord is calling you to step out in faith. It may seem risky, but I hope that you will take it. The Lord's plan for your life is beautiful and life-giving. Sometimes it requires grand leaps of faith-or in my case, swan dives over the Atlantic Ocean. When it's time to go, I hope that you will go forward by faith. Just as my leap toward Africa changed my life, taking your own step of faith may well transform yours."

Like I said in an earlier post, I'm a pretty dramatic person and I have been known to run as Jonah did when he was called to Ninevah. However, last time I tried to run it was an attempted escape from coming to Northwestern and at this point I cannot imagine my life without having come to this place. I know in my heart that the same is true for Guatemala. After being there for only 2 weeks in 2009 my heart was changed and I knew I would be returning; I cannot imagine the transformation that will take place after 6 weeks and I know that on June 30th I will be asking "How am I supposed to leave this place tomorrow?"

And now my prayer is this, that God would take the fear out of me and replace it with thoughts only from Him and of Him. Courage to step onto the plane leaving the United States knowing that when I land I will be in the place that holds a major piece of my heart. That the plea of my heart will forever echo the words of Isaiah "Here I am, Send me"

But first, TEXAS

A not so minor detail that has been regrettably overlooked in the midst of school and logistics of Guatemala.


During a conversation with a friend a couple weeks ago we were discussing that in a few short years America may very well be the biggest missions field. This was a very humbling thought and brought me back to many discussions I've had with and heard my brother having about how America needs missionaries as much as other countries do.
Every year over spring break Northwestern sends teams from Minnesota to Texas and a bunch of places in-between (and not so in between for teams leaving the country) on SSP's, 10 day long Spring Service Projects.

So next Saturday I'm heading out from good ol' Orange City and taking a 20 (ish) hour drive to Lindale, Texas with a team from my school!



Most of the outreaches I've done in the past have been aimed at children. Vacation Bible Schools, Sunday Schools, working at day camps, working at summer camps, etc. But in Lindale we will be working with an organization that has a prison ministry.
I'm excited to experience this new kind of ministry and see how God morphs my heart and creates in me a love for the people whom I will be encountering. I love hearing people's stories of where they come from, where they are and where they're going as well as sharing my story with others and I'm excited to see what opportunities will arise while I am there.

Some prayer requests:

• Safety during travel. 2 days there and 2 days back, that's a lot of driving!
• Team Bonding! Our teams for SSPs are put together of people who we do not necessarily know very well
• That we may touch the hearts of the people we encounter
• That we will have open minds and open and teachable hearts as we enter into new situations

Giving Thanks and Being Vegan

Preparing for my trip to Guatemala has been quite the process. Now that I've been accepted to the internship I've kind of been left on my own to figure things out; finances, plane tickets, ect. Because of this I've been going between being very excited and very nervous.

For people who know me, I tend to be over dramatic and get stressed out about things before I've even had a chance to process what is going on. When I began thinking about the finances of this trip I had a not so minor freak out session, but I was quickly reminded by the fantastic group of people around me here at school that I needed to lay my worries before the feet of Christ; so I did. That night I sat in my bed and cried. I cried out to the Lord and told Him my fears of not being able to raise enough money for the trip, told Him how badly I wanted to go and told Him I didn't know what to do. I felt a peace surround me as I was reminded of the love and care that comes from my Provider.

Not even two months have passed sense I sent out my first 50 support letters and I have already reached my goal of $2000. 

I am in awe, blown away and shocked at the willingness of God's people to give. Of how God moved in the hearts of my family and friends to support me financially on this trip. I do not even know how to correctly express my thanks to those people and to God for providing me this chance. Words cannot explain how much my excitement is rising as the thought of returning to Guatemala becomes more and more real.

(Any money that has been or will be donated to my trip that is not used for housing, food, plane ticket, ect. will be donated to Students International in order to enable them to continue and further their ministry.)

~Psalm 100~

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his' we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

 My roommate, Kelsey, is going on an SOS (summer of service) trip this summer through our school and as she goes to meetings and talks with the team she is given challenges to get prepared. In order to mentally prepare for my trip I have decided to echo the challenges she is given. Her challenge this week was to have somebody else choose what she can and cannot eat; she asked our friend Katie to decide on her diet and she said 'you're going vegan'. So together we ventured through the week being vegan; no meat and no animal bi-products for an entire week. No chocolate. No chicken. No coffee creamer! As this span of 7 days comes to a close I find myself more thankful for the food I am provided with and hope that during my 6 weeks in Guatemala I am able to persevere through uncomfortable situations, perhaps involving food but also with other things, remembering that I survived a week without my usual diet here on campus.  I apologize to all the people I complained to throughout this past week (God knows there are many of you) but know that I did learn from it. And, Kelsey, thank you for allowing me to be challenged along side you and for simply being willing to discuss our upcoming trips, our excitement and our worries; love you, Rooms!!

Some prayer requests as I continue preparing:

• confidence in my ability to show God's love to the people I will encounter
• calmed nerves about language barriers as well as flying into Guatemala
• balancing planning and school work
• the other interns as they are also preparing
• the full time staff living in Guatemala as they continue ministering to the people there and prepare for the coming summer

Try the other side of the boat

In John 21, after Jesus had been crucified, some of the disciples decided to go out to the Sea of Tiberias. They fished for some time and hadn't caught a thing. The next morning (they were still out fishing) Jesus appeared on the shore and asked "friends, haven't you any fish?" they replied "no". Then he said to them "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some."

The disciples had just gone through something traumatic; their friend, their teacher, their savior had just been crucified on a cross. Denied and humiliated in front of many, yet in some of his last moments he asked The Father to forgive those who had done this. They, the disciples, at this point MUST have had millions of thoughts going through their minds.

Something I've been learning lately is that questioning is okay, being perplexed and confused is okay, and having hardship is okay. Whenever I am faced with a difficult situation or difficult thought to process, my mind is swamped with a seemingly never-ending stream of thoughts. A book I'm reading used the metaphor of a fetus getting to the point of needing to be delivered: in it's current way of being (that is, in the womb) it has run out of room, it cannot grow anymore if it remains where it is. The mother's water breaks and what comes next? Pain. In order for the baby to enter into a new way of living, to enter into a new stage of maturity, something must break and pain will occur.

Similarly, months later the baby must mature from drinking only consuming milk to eating and digesting solid food; they are not meant to survive simply by drinking milk forever. However, once they find the ability to eat solid food they do not lose the need for the nutrients provided by milk.

I've learned that in order to grow I must question and think about where I am in my faith and what I believe in the current moment and I must be willing to mature in my thoughts in order to mature in my faith. I must trust that the Lord is guiding me as I learn and that he has gifted me in ways that will lead me to move forward.

I've been refusing to accept that, getting more frustrated with how often these thoughts come up and how long they linger in my mind. That is, until last night. Sometimes I think God uses crazy things to get our attention, this was one of those times. I was reading for one of my classes when I came across the sentence:

"Erin can't trust her own giftedness to let go of her insecurities"

               (I didn't believe it either until about the tenth time I read it)

It pushed me to the edge of settling with not catching any fish. I realized that I'm not okay with returning to my old way of thinking without any answers to the questions that could further my faith.

Jesus wasn't telling the disciples to stop fishing and pick up a new trade. He didn't tell them to stop doing what they were doing or stop being who they are. He brought their faith to a new level, appearing before them after dying. He told them keep doing what they were doing but to do it a little bit differently (just as babies are not asked to give up milk but to drink it along side eating solid food) and because they obeyed and listened to his advice they were successful.

After they put their net over the right side of their boat and realized that it was the Lord standing on the shore, showing himself to them and directing them

     Simon Peter "jumped into the water. The other disciples followed in the boat, towing the net FULL OF FISH...When they landed...Jesus said to them "come and have breakfast".

They caught fish. They were reunited with the Lord. Their faith had been changed for the better, a result of the hurt and questioning that they had gone through. When they had finished eating, Jesus asked Peter three times "do you love me?" By the third time Peter was hurt because Jesus had questioned him so much and answered "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you. [and] Jesus said "...when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old [more mature]...someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go...follow me". 

We are commanded by Jesus to follow him, even where we do not want to go; even when we are being stubborn and do not want to change or grow. Jesus told Peter this to "indicate the kind of death by which [he] would glorify God.

Now we must stop being insecure, trust the Lord, and follow Him into maturity and into a deeper faith, even if it means walking through pain and hardship to get there.

What's a Holle?

A name says a lot about a person. The definition of who they are can be summed up in their name. For some people there is simply no other way to explain them; when people ask me who my friends are it often takes awhile to construct an explanation longer than "it's just (__insert name here__)".

Well, let me introduce myself:
I'm 20 years old. I'm a sophomore English Education Major, Christian Education/Youth Ministry Minor student at Northwestern College in Orange City Iowa. I left my heart in Guatemala four years ago and am blessed to be able to say that I am going back this summer! I love being outside. Contrary to popular belief I do enjoy reading, as long as the book I'm reading is not a textbook. I love talking to strangers. I love being with my friends. I love to laugh and often do so uncontrollably. And my name is Erin Holle.

To the untrained eye of people who have never met my family, much like the telemarketers that called my house when I was growing up, people may see the word "hole" when they see "Holle". Nope. It's Holle, like Holly.
A hole is what Alice fell down to get into Wonderland.

Holly is an evergreen shrub or small tree with dark-green tough glossy leaves. Though this is how my name is pronounced, believe it or not, I am not a small tree.

Holle. I recently typed this into OED.com, a.k.a the website for the Oxford English Dictionary. This is the definition I was given for my last name:
...Hollow, concave; having a void space within; empty....
 Let's be honest, people, that's a pretty horrible definition if your name defines who you are. I thought so too until I gave it a second thought. The true definition of who I am, the most important thing about me, has nothing to do with the paragraph of facts listed above. My true definition: a child of God. Apart from my Heavenly Father, the dictionary got it right, I am hollow and empty, dead in my sinfulness.

 "As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world"
                      ~Ephesians 2:1~

 But if you keep scrolling through definitions on OED.com you would eventually come to:
... recovered from injury or a wound; healed...
I have recovered from, come out of, the state of being empty because of Christ; because of the love displayed when Jesus was crucified. He saved me from continuously having "a void space within" and has filled me with the joy and the love that can come only from Him.
 And because of Christ's love being in me I am full, I have been revived; "been made alive" (Ephesians 2). Though I have been a Christian for 10 years, the thought of the amount of love that my Heavenly Father has for me blows my mind! He took me out of darkness, out of the lowest of lows, came into my life and made me "a new creation" (2 Corinthians 5:17).

So that's me; Erin Holle. A 20-something. A student. A friend. A child of the King.

I'm confident that none of you need a lesson on how to pronounce "Erin", it means 'peace' but that's for another post.

Welcome to my blog !