The Room of Good Intentions

"We raise our white flags, we surrender all to You. All for You."
"Lord, I give you my heart. I give You my soul. I live for You alone."
"So what can I say? What can I do? But offer this heart, oh God completely to You...so I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered. All I am is Yours"

I sing so many songs about giving my entire life to Christ. I talk about giving EVERYTHING to God with friends and family. I preach it at youth group and at summer camp. For 10 years I've been telling God that my entire life was His. I came to college planning to graduate with a grand idea of how to change Christianity for the better, a fool proof plan of how to change the world. I was going to major in whatever field I could best glorify God, then live out whatever His next plan was. Then I started thinking. That was my first mistake.

I go to a college where tuition is $32,000 a year (give or take a couple cents). I live in a society run by money where the words 'want' and 'need' are interchangeable and the emotion of love is connected to feelings toward food and technology. More, Bigger, Better; words that surround us and our thoughts. 
I'd be a liar if I said I'm a person who ignores the comforts that we have available to us and always live a simple life (my Iphone is rarely out of my sight and every morning when I get dressed I look at my closet full of clothes and still say the ever so popular phrase: "I have nothing to wear".) To say money is often on my mind is an understatement.

Pre-college plan: Major in nursing.  Help sick children. Make loads of money. Maybe go on a few short term missions trips here or there. Become a youth pastor...?
NWC year one: Major in Elementary Education. My school will be my mission field. Maybe teach in a different country, who knows? Start a ministry...?
NWC begging year two: English Education major/Youth ministry minor. Work in a school in the states to try to pay off my loans. Maybe work in a church so I can say I'm in ministry. Move to Guatemala and teach in a school there. Work for a nonprofit missions organization...?
Career. Career. Career. I wanted a good career to make good money. To glorify God? I thought it was my main aim.

I'm reading a book called "The Cure". It begins with the main character coming to a fork in the road and facing a decision of following a sign that pointed toward "Pleasing God" or a sign that pointed toward "Trusting God". Thinking it's a trick question and deciding to Please God, readers are soon introduced and welcomed into "The Room of Good Intentions" where everyone is always doing "fine" and everyone is scared to take off their mask. I had good intentions. I soon began answering the "what's your major" question with an emphasis on my minor. I told everyone I wasn't going to be a school teacher. My heart was (is) set on being a missionary, whether that be in the States or in a different country.

Soon I started getting asked why, if I had reversed them in my head and in my heart, had I not reversed them  on record at my school. Well, I need to have a career option just encase ministry falls through and I need a job. NO NO NO.

Yesterday I declared a Christian Education major and a TESL (teaching English as a second language) minor. Following the sign that read "Trusting God" lead to "The Room of Grace" where people are real, where people have relationships. Where people please God by trusting Him. Yes, I have buckets full of loans. Yes, I want buy new clothes and have the latest technological toys.
But! Yes, looking back I realize my conviction. I can look into the past few years and watch my heart change and my willingness change with it.
I am going into ministry, and I am SO excited. Well, no. I've always been in ministry, but now the record that the school has reflects where God has been pushing me to go for a very long time. I don't know what ministry. I don't know where. But I'm headed down the path labeled "Trusting God".

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? ~Matthew 16:24-26

Work Site!

I wish I had a picture of myself being really really excited...and it's super surprising that I don't because it's my favorite kind of picture to take. But just know...that I have a very excited face right now...

Yesterday marked a week from when I was told that in a week they'd know the ministry sites and I was checking my email about every 2 minutes yesterday to see if I had an email. About half way through the day I finally saw it; "Students International" in my inbox. I opened it faster than I think I've ever opened an email before to find a very short email asking me if I'd be able to skype some of the ladies working full time with the organization later on this week. I asked if we could do it tomorrow (today) at 3:00. Yet another waiting game.

I was so nervous I couldn't do anything except walk back and forth in the hallway of my dorm. At 2:50 I sat down on my couch logged into skype and stared at my screen until I finally got the call.

I knew which sites I didn't want and I knew which sites I really wanted. But I'd been praying for weeks, not that they would give me the site that I thought I wanted but that God would make my heart content and excited to love the people and serve Him in whatever site that I was assigned to.

During my skype call they told me that they were considering placing me in the Art School. My first thought was: "THE WHAT? I can't even draw a stick figure!" And if you know me, you know that that's true. But they assured me that I didn't need artistic skill. They told me they just needed someone bold enough to break barriers, to show the students their worth and to build relationships not only between myself and the students but between them and the students that come from America. I know I've said this a lot but words cannot explain how excited I am. The art that comes out of this art school is truly amazing and I've heard that the relationships that come out of it are amazing as well. 

This is what Students International says about the art school:

"In the art site, we work with 20 students, ages 8-17. The art school works with kids from low income families and some of our kids are not able to attend additional schooling. In the art school, we teach drawing, painting, and crafts, but more than that we teach children about God, that is our main mission."

I'll probably post more about this once I've had time to process it a little more. If you want to know specific prayer requests or donation suggestions let me know (I'm sending out a prayer letter with this information as well). But for now,
Peace and Blessin's

plans to give you hope and future

My Sundays are spent in Sioux Center. After going to church, we (my roommate and I) come to her house. We eat dinner at her house then relax for the rest of the afternoon; homework, naps, coffee, conversations. I do a lot of thinking on my Sundays; the sermon I just heard, my family back in Minnesota, my friends here in Iowa, my trip to Guatemala ( I know, I know, that's all you guys here about, I'm sorry. ) Today the bulk of my thinking has been about the future. It's discussed a lot in our little community hidden in Iowa. 

What assignments are due next week? How long do I have to wait to find out my ministry site for this summer?  How long until my brother gets married? How long until I have to start paying off my loans? Will I be able to pay off my loans? Who will I marry? Will my friends and I still be as close as we are now when our 4 years here come to an end? What am I going to do with my life after that scary, though ever sought after, graduation day?

I've come to the conclusion that I, 100%, do not know the answers to any of those questions. Not even the first one [insert disapproving look from my mother here].

I looked at Kelsey today and said "Roommate, 2 years from now we'll be 3 weeks from graduating." 
That's scary! Things are changing. My friends and I, though we joke about living together forever because of our lack of significant others, will be going separate directions. We all have different callings. [Man, this is getting a lot more sentimental than I intended!] But I'm excited. I'm excited to see where God takes all of us. To be able to come back together, or skype together, and share stories. 

The only comfort I have in thinking about this is that God brought us together for a reason and God knows where we're going. He knows, even though I don't, what assignments I will wait until the last minute to do. He knows when my brother is getting married; He knows when/if I will get married. He will enable me to pay off my loans. And He knows how important my family and my friends are to me. And He knows where I will be going when I graduate from Northwestern.

I'm just so excited for the day that He lets me in on these secrets!!

"'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future'" ~Jeremiah 29:11~

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the Peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4:6-7~

[Shout out to my friends! My core 6! Kelsey, Pri, Katie, Megan, Nicki and Shaelee. I love you ladies!!! Here's to 2 more [1 for some of you :( ] years!!]

update/taking off the blinders (a two in one post)

Before I let ya'll know my latest thinkings on life I'll give you an update on my preparation for Guatemala. Something not so time consuming can mean a ton; I bought my plane tickets. That means this is 100% real and 100% official. I am going to Guatemala in 44 days. I have a countdown on my phone, I have a countdown in my head, and my most searched thing on Google is "How many days until May 23, 2013?" Well, 44!! On May 23 I will arrive in Guatemala at 1:20 in the afternoon, I'm pretty pumped because that leaves me a few hours to get acquainted before having to go to bed. However, in order to achieve this arrival, I will be getting to the airport in Minneapolis at 3:00AM. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I agreed to have my first plane leave a little after 6:00AM but in the words of Timone and Pumba, "Hakuna Matata". (However, prayer for the ability to sleep the night before and energy that day would be greatly appreciated). I spoke to someone from Students International about a week ago and she said they should have ministry sites assigned soon, I am beyond excited to find out what site I will be working at for those 6 weeks. My prayer, as this day approaches, is that I become comfortable with whatever role God wants me in while I am there. I have been a little apprehensive about some of the potential sites I could be assigned to.
Some prayer requests:

• Continued mental preparation and an open mind, especially after I found out what site I will be at. Pray that God equips me with the ability to serve Him and the people in that site well.
• More plane tickets! One of my friends is flying to Guatemala with me. We are going to buy his tickets in the next few days and we're hoping to be able to arrange the flights correctly so we can sit by each other, this will bring my anxiety level way down when I land in Guatemala
• Patience. In case you didn't catch on, I'm a little bit excited for the day to get here. However, I still have 5 weeks of life here in Iowa before I can give 100% of my attention to the trip. I need to remember that God can do amazing things in 5 weeks, between me and friends, between me and the kids at the youth group I work with, and between me and my studies.
• The ongoing ministry currently in Guatemala. It's hard to imagine life happening somewhere else when you are not there to see it happening, but ministry is happening and growing there. A new ministry cite is planned to be started during the weeks I am there so I am sure there is a lot of preparation happening for that.

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And now for my latest "thinkings". I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to make any of this make any kind of sense but I'll do my best. However, a quote that the pastor of the church I attend here in Iowa summed it up mighty well yesterday, he said:

"We're all trying to capture the fullness of God. If God has something for me, I want it, I need it."

Lately I have found myself frustrated with my lack of devos that have connected with how I am feeling. When this happens I tend to stop making time to have my devos, which does not help my feeling of disconnect. I become even more frustrated, it makes me even more stressed with everything going on in my life, it's a snowball effect and I think you get the picture. It gets bad.

Yesterday, during the sermon, our pastor spoke about being equipped with the spirit. We talked about having many fillings from God, not numerous baptisms.
I couldn't see God in the stress of all of my school work and the stress of everything else in life buzzing around me. At one point during this past week I hit my breaking point and refused to do anything but read my Bible and I read "return to me and I will return to you" (zechariah) and yesterday Pastor Randy quoted John 14:21 saying "Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father and I too will love him and show myself to him". These verses were so comforting, but also reminded me of the scene in one of the Narnia movies when Lucy sees Aslan but none of the others do. Peter, frustrated that he has not seen Aslan, asks Lucy "why didn't I see him?" Lucy simply replies "maybe you weren't looking".

Maybe I wasn't looking. Maybe I made myself blind to how God has been working in my life where I am at. I get so caught up in trying to capture the fullness of God and my inability to understand His ways that I lose sight of our relationship. It's frustrating, but I'm thankful I was able to take off the blinders.

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When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.

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When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.

~Psalm 94:18~