So much has happened since the last time I posted anything. Sometimes I feel like in order to post something it has to be profound, but it's my blog so I guess that's not entirely true. About a month ago when I went home a man from my church asked me "how often do you post?" I answered with "whenever I have something to say." But I realized lately that I have had a lot to say, I just haven't figured out how to say it; I have about three drafts in my "posts" archive that I haven't published because they just don't get it right. (And this one will more than likely not do justice to what God has been showing me either) This season of my life has definitely been about growing and wrestling and frustration and asking and wrestling some more. Predestination, the presence of God, worship, and obedience are a few things I've been thinking about lately.
The presence of God and Obedience are the two most recent. A few weeks ago I realized that we generally do not encounter God like the people written about in the Bible did. The people we read about were awestruck in God's presence; they fell on their faces, they were ruined, they died, they tore their clothes, they shaved their heads, one encounter with the Lord changed their lives and their identity. I felt that I had labeled the Lord as a "chum" or a "friend" and that took away the reverence. I tried to encounter Him on my time and greeted Him as I do my roommate with a very rehearsed "hey, I haven't seen you all day" followed by a truck load of everything in my life that has been wrong. Don't get me wrong, God does have the characteristics of a friend but God should be approached with more awe than we approach our earthly friends with.
The presence of God and Obedience are the two most recent. A few weeks ago I realized that we generally do not encounter God like the people written about in the Bible did. The people we read about were awestruck in God's presence; they fell on their faces, they were ruined, they died, they tore their clothes, they shaved their heads, one encounter with the Lord changed their lives and their identity. I felt that I had labeled the Lord as a "chum" or a "friend" and that took away the reverence. I tried to encounter Him on my time and greeted Him as I do my roommate with a very rehearsed "hey, I haven't seen you all day" followed by a truck load of everything in my life that has been wrong. Don't get me wrong, God does have the characteristics of a friend but God should be approached with more awe than we approach our earthly friends with.
On the topic of obedience I've come to realize that I'd been approaching God as I did my mother growing up. Getting as close to the boundary line that marks obedience from disobedience as I could with a sly smirk on my face. "Do you see me, mom? I'm not breaking the rules, I'm just walking the line like a tight rope." And eventually, when I got older, crossing that line but assuring my mom that I had everything under control and could handle it myself but as soon as something went wrong asking in a frustrated tone "hey, why didn't you stop me?"
"Do you see me God? This is the way I'm going to go. I'll give you till the count of three to stop me...1...2...hello? I'm walking the line here, aren't you going to stop me? Okay, well if you're not going to stop me, I must be right." And just like that I fall flat on my butt and am left wondering how I got there. Authority. I fall time and time again because, just like the children of Israel, I have an authority problem. Beth Moore puts it this way: " In essence, God was saying, 'You've got things turned around. Let's get this straight: Me, God. You, human. Me, Creator. You, creature. Me, Potter. You, clay. You obey...not for My good but for yours." It's a good thing our God is patient and merciful because I can't count how many times He's had to humble me and pick me up off my butt reminding me that I am not God, He is.
And with realizing these things, among many many others that God has so graciously taught me this school year, I've realized that I am in no way "love incarnated" and did not intend to label myself as such in the first title of this blog (news flash: the only incarnated perfect love is Jesus), I'm love in training, continuously learning, continuously getting things wrong. So I've changed the title of my blog to "A Learning Heart" in hopes that I'll approach my next year and half in school like I approached Guatemala this summer, and begin to approach God as more than a buddy and continue to learn what it means and what it looks like when I say that I love God.
{I was right, didn't do justice at all, therefor we'll just say: To be continued}
"Do you see me God? This is the way I'm going to go. I'll give you till the count of three to stop me...1...2...hello? I'm walking the line here, aren't you going to stop me? Okay, well if you're not going to stop me, I must be right." And just like that I fall flat on my butt and am left wondering how I got there. Authority. I fall time and time again because, just like the children of Israel, I have an authority problem. Beth Moore puts it this way: " In essence, God was saying, 'You've got things turned around. Let's get this straight: Me, God. You, human. Me, Creator. You, creature. Me, Potter. You, clay. You obey...not for My good but for yours." It's a good thing our God is patient and merciful because I can't count how many times He's had to humble me and pick me up off my butt reminding me that I am not God, He is.
And with realizing these things, among many many others that God has so graciously taught me this school year, I've realized that I am in no way "love incarnated" and did not intend to label myself as such in the first title of this blog (news flash: the only incarnated perfect love is Jesus), I'm love in training, continuously learning, continuously getting things wrong. So I've changed the title of my blog to "A Learning Heart" in hopes that I'll approach my next year and half in school like I approached Guatemala this summer, and begin to approach God as more than a buddy and continue to learn what it means and what it looks like when I say that I love God.
{I was right, didn't do justice at all, therefor we'll just say: To be continued}
No comments:
Post a Comment