21 years and 10 days

I've noticed a few things about myself throughout the 21 years and 10 days that I've been here. The first is that I don't really like doing what everyone else does/doing what I'm told I'm supposed to be doing. That explains both why I'm not doing homework right now and why I haven't posted for awhile (anyone else notice the crazy amount of people starting blogs after the new year?) The second thing I've learned about myself is that the second I feel an ounce of any emotion it explodes and that emotion overtakes me (whether that be disappointment, joy, or what have you).  The third; I'm really good at jumping the gun and attempting to bite off more of life than I'm ready to chew.

So let's play catch-up. For starters, my last post was about my friend Taylor who passed away in November. When that happened, I experienced something that was completely new to me; I was angry with God. I was more than angry, I was downright furious. I had discussed being angry with God many times with friends and with youth groups and I had spoken to people who were angry with Him but I had never experienced it myself; which was a strange thing to realize. I had been hurt and confused but if I were asked to explain my emotion toward Him until that point "angry" would have been in my word bank. This turned into a turning point in my relationship with Him though, I learned a lot that I'm not even sure I'm done processing but one of those lessons was to present and face my emotions instead of feeling it and refusing to do anything about it.
Also, I'm still in Iowa. Not necessarily my favorite place in the world by any means and I've tried numerous times to leave but God has been teaching me a lot through being here and now I'm 93% sure that this is where He intends to keep me until I graduate. God teaches me a lot through the emotions that I feel so strongly. For example, when I become frustrated that I have 3 different places I'd rather be that I see as more beneficial than being at school but none of the doors open far enough for me to walk through He fed me a spoonful of humility and taught me that it is not my job nor do I have the right to know His plan or tell Him what He ought to be doing. That's part of living by and walking by faith, that's also part of Him being greater than I. So yes, I feel emotion in crazy amounts but I've learned tremendous things through swallowing my pride and bringing my emotions to God (which is something I only learned to do once I got to Iowa, imagine that).

As for attempting to bite off more than I'm ready to chew: I'm currently co-leading the preparation of a Spring Service Project to Lindale, Texas. I'm also preparing to work with the staff of Camp Lebanon as the female lead counselor. Thankfully, because of my lovely friends and very strong and encouraging co-leaders, I'm still very excited for both and am having a blast organizing and planning. BUT in the midst of preparing to go to Texas in about 5 weeks and trying to hold off my excitement and planning for camp (in an attempt not to get ahead of myself) and being a full-time student I decided that I'd try to add one more thing to the load. If I would have had my way, this semester would have been my last at Northwestern and I would have jumped feet first into full-time ministry. That was a bust. But taking a look around me at the things that I have already committed to, I'm glad that didn't work out because I'm just learning how to lead and lead well. Right now, God has given me plenty to juggle that will force me to grow in leaps and bounds.

Turning gears a little bit back toward the fact that I'M GOING BACK TO LINDALE! I don't think I could be more excited. My co-leader, Joey, and I have been planning and our team has started meeting weekly in preparation. This week I called down to Calvary Commission and spoke with Ms. Charlotte Faus about what God has been doing in their lives and what our team will be doing while we are there. I was introduced to the people of Calvary Commission last year and fell in love faster than I ever have before and my faith was refined and redefined. Click HERE to read the post I wrote when I got back to Orange City after our trip last year. It's a new year, we have a new team, and a new dynamic, but we have the same God and His plan will exceed anything I can dream up for the 10 days we will be in Texas. Please be in prayer for our team of 19 as we continue planning, praying and growing in excitement!

God has presented me with many curve balls since the last time I posted but thankfully as I approached them with anxiety He approached me with grace.