From craving to wrestling

This is my life. I can't get it out of my head. My life: everywhere I look I see ministry or am being told about ministry. Being told in my classes that I need to take a step back and look at it all. Being intimidated because 4 out of the 5 of my classes are religion. Looking forward and knowing that in two years, and even now, my life will be consumed by looking for ways to be a beacon. And now I find myself asking extremely hard questions. I often find myself telling my campers at Camp Lebanon to ask the hard questions because it's through those that we grow in what we believe, grow closer in relationships with God and grow closer to finding His will. I'm a hypocrite. I hate asking the hard questions, it scares me.

So now here I sit, scared out of my mind, literally. I've been zoning out and doing mindless things in order to get my mind to stop turning and asking and reasoning, knowing that if I allow myself to step back into my thoughts I'll ask questions that I don't know how to answer. I like having the answers, but I know that I can't have them all the time. I haven't even attended all my classes yet (one more to go) and I'm wrestling with questions like:

Am I walking down the right path to get to where God wants me to be?

Who do I need to surround myself with to get there?

Why do I want to work in ministry?

Am I cut out to study missiology, changing religion in America, and Bible interpretation? Or will it turn my relationship with God away from communing with Him to 100% studying Him. 

Will I end up knowing about Him more but knowing Him less?

What do I believe about predestination?

How do my beliefs now differ from the church I was raised in? How did that happen?

Will Pontius Pilate go to Heaven or Hell? After all, he showed signs of believing Jesus is King.

If there is no relationship between people, can it still be declared missions work?

I've never been in this position before. I've never scared myself by my own questions or been offended by someone so strongly questioning where I think God is leading me. I've never wrestled with my thoughts like this or been forced to trust quite like this.

A week ago I was craving to be changed and shaped. I was craving to find what it looks like to mean it when I say I love the Lord. Is this what that looks like?

I feel like I need a game plan. Like I need a step by step list of directions of how to do this. Problem is, there's not one. My only game plan: trust the only One I know is faithful. Surround myself with Him, and seek council from people I view as Christ-like.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine...

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

True Access

If you ever doubt the love Jesus has for you, read John where Jesus washes the feet of his disciples, tells them he is leaving them (chapter 13), comforts them, promises a counselor after he leaves (chapter 14) and prays for them (chapter 17). I was quite overwhelmed today because of how much it felt like he was speaking to me and about me.

Jesus promising the Holy Spirit played a major part in my overwhelmed state this morning. In chapter 14 he explains that the Spirit of truth will come and be with and in his followers, teaching us and reminding us the teachings of Jesus. In the world today truth is a foreign concept. But we, His followers, have the Spirit of truth with us, guiding us (16:13), convicting us (16:8), and teaching us (14:26). The Spirit of truth is promised to guide us into all truth, which is the word of God (17:17). Why do we overlook that? We have a counselor walking with us, showing us what is wrong and teaching us what we need to know. If we would only look to Him and turn our attention to Him more often.

Then, in chapter 17, Jesus prays. Even the thought of Jesus, who is one with God, praying to God blows my mind, but his words are words of a person in love, and his prayer is for his followers who were with him at the time as well as for us, his future (now present) followers. He prays for protection because he will no longer be there next to them to protect them (v11). He knows we are not strong enough on our own to protect ourselves. He knows that the world hates and will continue to hate those whom he has given the word but does not pray for God to remove his followers from the hateful place but to protect them from the evil one (v15). Then, he prays for our unity, not only unity with Them but unity with each other was well (v23).

Are we united? I would argue no. The lack of unity and the result of that breaks my heart. We have been foolish, not allowing the Spirit of truth to teach us, letting our own thoughts divide us. We have been prideful, thinking we can protect ourselves and those around us from the evil one on our own. Chapter 16 verse 2 warns us about how twisted the concept of truth will become; "a time is coming when anyone who kills you will think he is offering a service to God." At church this last Sunday part of the sermon was about the lack of access to the Gospel that people around the world have; over 2.8 billion have no access. And how important it is that the Church bring access to those people as a priority over focusing on the United States because the United States citizens have access. I do think that expanding the number of people with access to the gospel and to truth should be a priority. People in our society have access to "truth" more than people in the 10/40 window, yes. But what is the "truth" they have access to? Do we all have access to the truth that the Holy Spirit guides and teaches us in? No. Many only have access to twisted truth that is really not truth at all! The unity that Jesus prayed for portrays love, and the reaction to that love is the worlds belief. The Church must become united, showing love to our neighbors and, through that,prompting belief. Our neighbors are not only those in our Christian bubble: camp staff, dorm mates, those we sit next to at church. We need to bring true access to people who have zero as well as twisted access to the Gospel.

Holy Spirit, guide your followers into unity, that we may bring true access to truth back into our generation and generations to come.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

A Season of Craving

I understand that the title of this post is odd. It sounded odd when I said it out loud this morning too. But that's what I'm in right now, a season of craving.

I'm at school a week early because I'm on Orientation staff. A week before classes begin there is not a whole lot going on on campus, it's calm and quiet, which is weird and has left me a whole lot of time to think. This morning the group of O-staff started out the day with a devo. I love that moment when you've been studying a book of the Bible and then you go to sit down to listen to someone else lead a discussion and it happens to be on the same passage you looked at an hour or two prior; that happened today. In the midst of summer ending I've realized that I don't want to be influenced by this world (Ephesians 4:17-5:20). I've realized that I really want God to use this year for His purpose and to change me and if I become consumed by everything around me, that won't happen. I became used to being surrounded by a constant Christian support system, first the missionaries/interns in Guate and then the staff at camp. But now I'm in a different ball game.
I realized all of this this morning after the devo when we broke into small groups. We were supposed to tell the people we were with where we were at. Well, I'm craving God's un-explainable, evident works in my life.
I'm craving time to be set apart for me to be with Him and only Him.
I'm craving conversation with the people around me to be about what He has been doing.
I'm craving the feeling of purpose.
I'm craving the joy and love.

I'm craving what I had this summer.
But this craving is not a bad thing. In my last post I wrote about feelings of inferiority or being overwhelmed and not qualified--those feelings are not from God. But I think the feelings I have right now is just a conviction to fight.

I'm craving more. I want to know my King more, I want to please Him more. I want to know what He wants me to do next.

The post that I wrote when I got home from Guate had a plethora of lessons I had learned, this is one of those lessons:
"You can't just sit back on autopilot expecting a door to open, a moving sidewalk to usher you through it and God to change you without any effort on your part. You have to fight. Every day without stopping, expecting to encounter brokenness, trials, even death. You must stand firm, wearing armor that only comes from Him. But you must also rely on Him for your strength and your wisdom during the fight and work to make your character like His."


I'm craving more. I want to know my King more, I want to please Him more. But that's the thing, I have to open myself up to more, I have to fight. I'm not content with just having had a summer that brought me closer to God, I want that closeness to stay and to multiply. In order for that to happen I'm going to have to except that my surroundings have changed which poses new challenges for me to fight through.
 Before I left camp last week I told my boss that I want this year to change me and asked if he had any ideas of things I could work on. This was his answer:
"When you say you love God, challenge yourself to really mean it."
I do love my King. I always will. But what does it look like to mean that?

I'm in a season of craving. Craving to not become content but to push my faith into a place it's never been before. Craving to find the answer to that question.

It Happened in a Blink

I started planning this summer when I was 16 years old. I knew that if it worked out the way I wanted it to that it would be the best summer of my life but I never truly thought I'd get to this summer. From my 16 year old eyes, being 20 seemed light years away and traveling to a different country by myself and working at the camp I went to as a child was unthinkable.

Looking back at this summer, I can't believe it actually happened. God blessed me so much through this summer that it honestly feels like a dream. In two days I move back to Orange City to start another school year and I feel like I'm just waking up from something so amazing it refuses to be real. I knew at the end of last school year that my 3 month "break" would be amazing, but only God knew just how blown away I'd be. You guys, I'm honestly just baffled. And because I still can't find a way to wrap my mind around my summer I'm going to give you a brief play by play before I get to my point.

I went to Guatemala for 5 weeks and worked in an art school...Erin Holle worked in an ART school in GUATEMALA where they speak SPANISH. HELLO! under the laws of physics or genetics or somethin' that NEVER could have/should have worked out. But it did. How? Because God wanted it to and He did great things in many people's lives during those 5 weeks. I came back with new friends, new skills, new ways of looking at the world, and a new closeness to my King.

2 days after returning to the States I spent a week (more or less) at my grandparents' cabin on Baby Lake. I had been looking forward to relaxing by the lake, and thinking and telling my family about Guatemala. PLOT TWIST!! I got SO sick. A parasite named Randall, side affects from taking medication incorrectly, and a terrible cold because of my changed immune system, add cramps on top of all of that and it feels pretty miserable. If you define relaxation as sitting in a chair and not moving for 3 days, yea I did that. But it didn't feel relaxing, not even a little bit. However, it did slow me down enough to force time with my thoughts and left me with nobody to talk to but God.

Squeezed into that few days at the cabin was the 4th of July. Mhmm..way more exciting than just watching some fireworks this year. My best friend Megan got ENGAGED! That means in less than a year I will have another friend getting married! Exciting is an understatement.

I spent that next week at camp because, well to be honest, even though I've become more introverted this summer I do adore my time spent with people and couldn't stand being so close to my friends without seeing them. I also adore Camp Lebanon~A Meeting Place with God. Since I wasn't technically on staff for that week, and nobody really knew in advance that I was going to be there I just volunteered and helped out wherever I could. Through that week God showed me some aspects of what it looks like to be a leader in ministry in the States.

THEN (I know, it just keeps going, it's so great) my beautiful friend Nicki got married on July 20th. What a beautiful day it was. Full of love, joy, prayer, and smiles. CONGRATULATIONS ZACH AND NICKI WITTENBERG 

Following the wedding I got up at 5:30am and booked it back to Camp. For the next three weeks (ending today) I counseled at camp. Walking into it I was super overwhelmed and did not feel qualified whatsoever...lies from the enemy. I have been challenged immensely in the last 3 weeks. Each week God gave me some situation or thought that I had not dealt with before. I learned SO much, I wish there was a way to tell you, however, one of the pressing lessons was Philippians 1:27~"Whatever happens conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ". But overall, I learned that I am not in control of anything. I have 0 control, not even a little bit. I learned that that's a very very good thing, because if I didn't have someone guiding me, things would turn horribly sour before I knew what was even happening. I have been blown away by God's love and overwhelmed with joy that can only come from Him on a daily basis. God also gave me a glimpse at my future, which I have been begging for for quite some time considering this summer was the farthest my mind had wondered for the past 4 years. And even though it is a small view I'm ridiculously excited to move forward and unpack it.

So much has happened since I left Orange City. I'm still processing a lot of it. But I grew this summer in ways that I can't explain in a silly blog. The love, joy, and (somehow) peace that I was blessed with this summer blows my mind. At times (a lot of times this summer actually) I've been so overwhelmed by the constant love that I couldn't do anything to express my thanks to Him but throw up my hands, laugh and shake my head because of being so awestruck.

He is GOOD.

He is LOVE.

He is LIGHT.

He is HOPE.

He is PEACE.

He is TRUE.

He is JOY.

He is LIFE.

My heart will sing no other name.

Struggling to be Content

I did not know it was possible to miss a place as much as I miss Guatemala right now. I would be willing to take my nasty parasite medicine every day for the rest of my life if it meant being able to spend just one more week, one more day, with my friends who are now many miles away from me.

I've officially been home for a week. I've been thinking about what I could possibly write this blog post about and there are so many things: The pain I feel being away from my friends, how introverted I've become, what has been easy about being home, how home no longer feels like home, the jealousy I feel when looking at pictures of other people smiling with the art school students, the possibilities are endless.

As I sit here, I'm still not really sure what I want to write about, but I know there are things I need to get off my chest, so I just hope it comes out cognitively. All I know is that God brought me to Guatemala for a reason. And looking back at pictures and my blog posts and my journal, I am told that loud and clear. But the hardest thing to accept is that God brought me back to the states for a reason as well. 

During our debrief, before we (the first session of interns) left to come back to the states we were forced to face our emotions about leaving. We got asked many hard questions that sometimes we just didn't have the words to answer. One of these difficult questions was: "Where am I in the process of discovering my true calling and what role did my experience [in Guatemala] play in this process?"

One of the things that I learned about Americans while I was in Guatemala is that we like to know what is coming next, we like to have a laid out plan that is written in stone. However, the problem with that is, (as many Christ followers have come to learn throughout their lives) our plans are not always God's plans, and God does not always lay out the blue prints of our lives for us to see exactly when we want to see them.
Before I left school, I changed my major to "Christian Education/Youth Ministry" with a minor in "Teaching English as a Second Language". When I left school for the summer I was still a little weary of the decision. This weariness mostly came from people asking me questions like "well, what is your plan?" or "what are you going to do with that?" well, I wasn't sure. Before I left for Guatemala I told my mom "If God doesn't use this trip to answer my questions about my future, I'm not going back to school." But God did answer my questions. He told me, you are going to love Me and love others, you are going to honor Me and teach others about Me, you are going to follow my commands even when it's hard and even when people look at you like you're crazy for going to school for a ministry degree.

So I guess I have to be content with being back in the states. Because if God didn't want me here right now, I wouldn't be here right now. He would have made me lose my passport or shut down the airport or something. Because I am 100% sure that God won't let me go anywhere that He doesn't intend to use me. I have to be content with seeing pictures of other people hugging and smiling with the students at the art school and the people of Magdalena because that means they are being loved and that's what I want most. I have to find a way to serve my King in this confusing time of feeling like I don't belong, and that is exactly what I intend to do.

Being back is way more difficult than I imagined it would be. I am a different person on the inside, I'm just struggling to let that person out now. I've become what some people might call a "bottler" with all my emotions stored up inside me, wanting to always just be left alone with my thoughts. And for a person who left the country very emotional, extroverted and most of the time willing to share my thoughts, that's not exactly a good place to be. But I'm working on it, and I'm sure God will help me turn things around and be the Erin that he refined me to be while I was in Guatemala.

Guatemala is beautiful but not magical

First of all, I got this blog working again! I don't know what happened or why I wasn't able to access it from Guatemala but if you're interested in reading what I wrote while I was in Guatemala you can find those posts here.

I can't believe I'm already sitting back in my living room typing this. I seriously felt like I was here yesterday staring at all the things I needed to pack in order to leave May 23. I didn't realize how quickly this time would go by or how many lessons God would squeeze into 5 weeks. A week or two before I left, the other interns and I had dinner with the wife of one the staff members and she asked us what we all had learned. I was suddenly hit with the realization that I had been a part of so much and I hadn't stopped to think about what I had learned from all of it. So for the last week that I was in Magdalena I began to process what I had learned. This is a little of what I came up with:

Lesson #1: You can't just sit back on autopilot expecting a door to open, a moving sidewalk to usher you through it and God to change you without any effort on your part. You have to fight. Every day without stopping, expecting to encounter brokenness, trials, even death. You must stand firm, wearing armor that only comes from Him. But you must also rely on Him for your strength and your wisdom during the fight and work to make your character like His.

Lesson #2: When you give your heart to God He is going to take you seriously, there are no take backs. Ask Him for patience and He is going to give you something to build your patience. Ask Him to give you His heart and break yours, He will introduce you to people who will break it: Josephina, Ruth, Nanci, Albertina. Tell Him to take over your mind and your actions and all of a sudden you will find yourself constantly thinking about Him and constantly thinking about how you can serve Him and His people, whatever the cost.

Lesson #3: I am not the celebrity, my King is. I found myself asking the question "Erin, why are you doing this? Because it's what you're supposed to be doing or is God behind it?" Anyone can go to a different country and do good deeds, and interact with the people there. But when God is behind it there is so much more, so much more meaning behind everything that happens. Conversations are no longer half-hearted, nor are actions. My King is not only the celebrity in Guatemala...
When I come home, I do not want it to be about me. I do not want my stories to be about what Erin did in Guatemala. I want them to be about what God did while Erin was in Guatemala.

Lesson #4: But God. I walked through multiple situations that were too big for me to handle. I also was told many life stories that are too hurtful and dark for any person to handle. In situations like those there is always a "but God..." to go after the scary situation or the heartbreaking story.
John 1:5 ~ The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not overcome it. 

Lesson #5: I learned to remind myself that Jesus knows the pain we go through. He was tempted just as we are when we are in hard situations (Hebrews 4:14). He also felt sadness and heartbreak as we do (John 11:35). I learned that this can be great comfort when I am struggling or hurting and confused in the midst of a difficult situation.

I learned SO many things during my 5 weeks in Guatemala. These 5 don't even make a dent on the rant I could go on about what God taught me.
I learned that a shining light is of no use if it is not seen. How can you change the world if you're scared to be in it?
I learned to be humble.
I learned that sometimes, in the midst of poverty and in the midst of heartbreak, people just want to be heard.
I learned that I can worship my King with every act and every thought.
I learned to love and how to reflect the love that He has shown me my whole life.
And I learned that there is no better place to be than in the center of God's will.

                                           2am. Ready to go! May 23rd.

                           5 month old baby Cindy. The little sister of on of my students.

                                     I don't think I'll ever master the art of making tortillas.

        Telma teaching the kids how to make their paintings better, and cracking a joke as she does it.

                                       Armando finishing up a painting of Antigua

                                  Nanci, Andy, and Beverly. Oh how I love these kids.

  The boys of the art school (and Telma) getting ready to play soccer against the boys of San Miguel.

The beautiful Guatemala.

Most importantly, I learned that (in the words of one of the very wise ladies I worked with) Guatemala is not a magical place. You do not need to be in Guatemala to see God work, He works elsewhere as well. The difference is that God is made the priority in the lives of people interacting with SI Guatemala. Now He must be made the priority here as well.

"When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within"

"Things never happen the same way twice, dear one"

As some of you may know, I've had a pretty intense count down going the past 4 months or so. A little while ago I started a count down on my phone that told me how long, down the second, until my first plane would leave on this adventure I have been allowed to prepare for. Now this count down reads: 8 hours. 15 minutes. 57 seconds.

8 hours.

This picture pretty much explains me right now. But the past few days (mainly yesterday) I've been shaking in my boots. My family keeps asking me "Are you getting cold feet?" and I promptly answer "No!" But what they don't know is that the song "Hold me Jesus" by Rich Mullins has been my prayer for the last 48 hours. "Hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been King of my glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace?"
In an attempt to calm my nerves I talked to many of my friends. They reminded me that, even though I won't be able to communicate much with family or friends, I will still have my unchanging God. That all of my strength will come from Him.
I started thinking...what am I afraid of? Nothing. And Everything. I'm afraid of unknowns and of what will be different from the last time I was there.
I watched Narnia today and Aslan says to Lucy:
"Things never happen the same way twice, dear one."
I struggle to remember that not having been there in a long time can turn out to be a blessing, because I do not have many expectations. 
Still though, when Lucy says "I wish I was braver" in response to Aslan's call, she hit the nail right on the head. Near the end of the movie, Caspian says:

"I do not think I am ready." To which Aslan responds:

"It is for that very reason I think you are."

I am ready, so very ready. I am ready to go on an adventure for and with my God. I have no idea the struggles I might go through or the thoughts I might think. But I am ready and I am excited. I am scared. But one of my friends, in reminding me that being scared is okay, quoted the Hunger Games to me today:

"Hope is the only thing greater than fear"
When I weigh my fears against my faith, my fears are nothing.

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." ~Hebrews 11:1

I am trusting that God gave me the desire to go to Guatemala, and God will walk with me (fly with me) to and through Guatemala. I have faith that God will speak through me to the people I encounter. I may not feel ready, but I am. God has raised me up for this purpose.

I'M LEAVING IN 8 HOURS!!! Holy buckets. I'm a tornado of emotions! I'm hyped up on excitement and there is absolutely no way I am getting a wink of sleep in the next 8 hours.
I'M GOING ON AN ADVENTURE!

Until next time,

Erin