count down to missions trips:
Texas: 1 week and 1 day
Guatemala: 3 months and 1 day
At this point if you as me if I'm excited, my answer is no. I just want to stay home on my couch drinking coffee and watching TV; I want to remain comfortable. One thing that being at Northwestern has taught me is that sometimes I need to dig deeper to find the true meaning of things, when I think about the deeper reasoning of not wanting to leave, at this point it is simply that I'm afraid.
I'm afraid I'll forget something important when I leave. I'm afraid something will happen in the airport. I'm afraid of leaving my family. I'm afraid I won't make an impact. I'm afraid of being by myself for 6 weeks.
When I think about this I find myself with two opposite reactions; a thought on each shoulder if you will.
thought 1: The second you step on that plane there is no going back. You will be in a world of unknowns.
thought 2: Don't be ignorant, you won't be alone. There will be the other interns, the full time staff, the people of Magdelena, etc., God has enabled you to not be afraid to talk to strangers and God has never called you to be comfortable.
Don't get me wrong. Just because I'm scared doesn't mean I'm not going. I am 100% sure that by going to Guatemala I will be in the center of God's will. I've been praying for this opportunity for 4 years and knew that God was capable of sending me back if it were to be His will; I just never got to the point of thinking about sitting on that plane. And now I sit here in my dorm room, that is the only picture in my head.
In the book "Arise" by Clayton and Ellen Kershaw, Ellen, writing about her first trip by herself to Africa writes "sometimes a leap of faith seems more like a jump over the Grand Canyon." I cannot imagine that any part of a jump over the side of the Grand Canyon would be too pleasant, and that is exactly how I feel at this moment. However, directly after that she writes:
"When you move toward the Lord's will, there is a good chance you will find those two competing emotions: fear and excitement. I cannot imagine where I would be today if I had let fear win in my heart. I would have missed Africa! Perhaps there is an area in your life where the Lord is calling you to step out in faith. It may seem risky, but I hope that you will take it. The Lord's plan for your life is beautiful and life-giving. Sometimes it requires grand leaps of faith-or in my case, swan dives over the Atlantic Ocean. When it's time to go, I hope that you will go forward by faith. Just as my leap toward Africa changed my life, taking your own step of faith may well transform yours."
Like I said in an earlier post, I'm a pretty dramatic person and I have been known to run as Jonah did when he was called to Ninevah. However, last time I tried to run it was an attempted escape from coming to Northwestern and at this point I cannot imagine my life without having come to this place. I know in my heart that the same is true for Guatemala. After being there for only 2 weeks in 2009 my heart was changed and I knew I would be returning; I cannot imagine the transformation that will take place after 6 weeks and I know that on June 30th I will be asking "How am I supposed to leave this place tomorrow?"
And now my prayer is this, that God would take the fear out of me and replace it with thoughts only from Him and of Him. Courage to step onto the plane leaving the United States knowing that when I land I will be in the place that holds a major piece of my heart. That the plea of my heart will forever echo the words of Isaiah "Here I am, Send me"
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