In John 21, after Jesus had been crucified, some of the disciples decided to go out to the Sea of Tiberias. They fished for some time and hadn't caught a thing. The next morning (they were still out fishing) Jesus appeared on the shore and asked "friends, haven't you any fish?" they replied "no". Then he said to them "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some."
The disciples had just gone through something traumatic; their friend, their teacher, their savior had just been crucified on a cross. Denied and humiliated in front of many, yet in some of his last moments he asked The Father to forgive those who had done this. They, the disciples, at this point MUST have had millions of thoughts going through their minds.
Something I've been learning lately is that questioning is okay, being perplexed and confused is okay, and having hardship is okay. Whenever I am faced with a difficult situation or difficult thought to process, my mind is swamped with a seemingly never-ending stream of thoughts. A book I'm reading used the metaphor of a fetus getting to the point of needing to be delivered: in it's current way of being (that is, in the womb) it has run out of room, it cannot grow anymore if it remains where it is. The mother's water breaks and what comes next? Pain. In order for the baby to enter into a new way of living, to enter into a new stage of maturity, something must break and pain will occur.
Similarly, months later the baby must mature from drinking only consuming milk to eating and digesting solid food; they are not meant to survive simply by drinking milk forever. However, once they find the ability to eat solid food they do not lose the need for the nutrients provided by milk.
I've learned that in order to grow I must question and think about where I am in my faith and what I believe in the current moment and I must be willing to mature in my thoughts in order to mature in my faith. I must trust that the Lord is guiding me as I learn and that he has gifted me in ways that will lead me to move forward.
I've been refusing to accept that, getting more frustrated with how often these thoughts come up and how long they linger in my mind. That is, until last night. Sometimes I think God uses crazy things to get our attention, this was one of those times. I was reading for one of my classes when I came across the sentence:
"Erin can't trust her own giftedness to let go of her insecurities"
(I didn't believe it either until about the tenth time I read it)
It pushed me to the edge of settling with not catching any fish. I realized that I'm not okay with returning to my old way of thinking without any answers to the questions that could further my faith.
Jesus wasn't telling the disciples to stop fishing and pick up a new trade. He didn't tell them to stop doing what they were doing or stop being who they are. He brought their faith to a new level, appearing before them after dying. He told them keep doing what they were doing but to do it a little bit differently (just as babies are not asked to give up milk but to drink it along side eating solid food) and because they obeyed and listened to his advice they were successful.
After they put their net over the right side of their boat and realized that it was the Lord standing on the shore, showing himself to them and directing them
Simon Peter "jumped into the water. The other disciples followed in the boat, towing the net FULL OF FISH...When they landed...Jesus said to them "come and have breakfast".
They caught fish. They were reunited with the Lord. Their faith had been changed for the better, a result of the hurt and questioning that they had gone through. When they had finished eating, Jesus asked Peter three times "do you love me?" By the third time Peter was hurt because Jesus had questioned him so much and answered "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you. [and] Jesus said "...when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old [more mature]...someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go...follow me".
We are commanded by Jesus to follow him, even where we do not want to go; even when we are being stubborn and do not want to change or grow. Jesus told Peter this to "indicate the kind of death by which [he] would glorify God.
Now we must stop being insecure, trust the Lord, and follow Him into maturity and into a deeper faith, even if it means walking through pain and hardship to get there.
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