The Room of Good Intentions

"We raise our white flags, we surrender all to You. All for You."
"Lord, I give you my heart. I give You my soul. I live for You alone."
"So what can I say? What can I do? But offer this heart, oh God completely to You...so I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered. All I am is Yours"

I sing so many songs about giving my entire life to Christ. I talk about giving EVERYTHING to God with friends and family. I preach it at youth group and at summer camp. For 10 years I've been telling God that my entire life was His. I came to college planning to graduate with a grand idea of how to change Christianity for the better, a fool proof plan of how to change the world. I was going to major in whatever field I could best glorify God, then live out whatever His next plan was. Then I started thinking. That was my first mistake.

I go to a college where tuition is $32,000 a year (give or take a couple cents). I live in a society run by money where the words 'want' and 'need' are interchangeable and the emotion of love is connected to feelings toward food and technology. More, Bigger, Better; words that surround us and our thoughts. 
I'd be a liar if I said I'm a person who ignores the comforts that we have available to us and always live a simple life (my Iphone is rarely out of my sight and every morning when I get dressed I look at my closet full of clothes and still say the ever so popular phrase: "I have nothing to wear".) To say money is often on my mind is an understatement.

Pre-college plan: Major in nursing.  Help sick children. Make loads of money. Maybe go on a few short term missions trips here or there. Become a youth pastor...?
NWC year one: Major in Elementary Education. My school will be my mission field. Maybe teach in a different country, who knows? Start a ministry...?
NWC begging year two: English Education major/Youth ministry minor. Work in a school in the states to try to pay off my loans. Maybe work in a church so I can say I'm in ministry. Move to Guatemala and teach in a school there. Work for a nonprofit missions organization...?
Career. Career. Career. I wanted a good career to make good money. To glorify God? I thought it was my main aim.

I'm reading a book called "The Cure". It begins with the main character coming to a fork in the road and facing a decision of following a sign that pointed toward "Pleasing God" or a sign that pointed toward "Trusting God". Thinking it's a trick question and deciding to Please God, readers are soon introduced and welcomed into "The Room of Good Intentions" where everyone is always doing "fine" and everyone is scared to take off their mask. I had good intentions. I soon began answering the "what's your major" question with an emphasis on my minor. I told everyone I wasn't going to be a school teacher. My heart was (is) set on being a missionary, whether that be in the States or in a different country.

Soon I started getting asked why, if I had reversed them in my head and in my heart, had I not reversed them  on record at my school. Well, I need to have a career option just encase ministry falls through and I need a job. NO NO NO.

Yesterday I declared a Christian Education major and a TESL (teaching English as a second language) minor. Following the sign that read "Trusting God" lead to "The Room of Grace" where people are real, where people have relationships. Where people please God by trusting Him. Yes, I have buckets full of loans. Yes, I want buy new clothes and have the latest technological toys.
But! Yes, looking back I realize my conviction. I can look into the past few years and watch my heart change and my willingness change with it.
I am going into ministry, and I am SO excited. Well, no. I've always been in ministry, but now the record that the school has reflects where God has been pushing me to go for a very long time. I don't know what ministry. I don't know where. But I'm headed down the path labeled "Trusting God".

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? ~Matthew 16:24-26