5 years ago, I had no idea

September. Every year on September 1st I know what's coming in 10 days. I know that my sister's birthday is on the 11th and I will add 1 to the number of years my dad has been gone on the 12th. I pretty much sit and wait for a chaos of emotions to run through me and prepare myself to relive all the pain. But this year September has looked different.

I just realized that 5 years ago today I was in high school, sitting in biology class oblivious about the phone call that would interrupt the same class the very next day, the phone call that would begin the events that would turn my life upside down. I could not have anticipated what heart ache, confusion, change the next week would dump onto me. Or what trust, comfort, and growth the next 5 years would hold.

This September started out rough. When you anticipate something to be horrible, you can pretty much bet it will be because you subconsciously don't allow it to be anything but that.

"God where are you? Why do I have to go through this every September?"

 Then I realized how ridiculous I was being. I had labeled September as the month that would hurt and I knew the pain would put me in a bad mood, I didn't take the healing of Christ that has gotten me to this point or the joys he has brought me in the last 5 years into consideration at all.

One day last weekend, in the midst of over thinking the situation I was in that day, I started reading 2 Corinthians.  A couple phrases that really hit me:

                     -"6:4 as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way...in troubles, hardships and distress...10 sorrowful, yet always rejoicing"

            I have so much to rejoice about today.

                     -" 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles...5 through Christ our comfort overflows...9 this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God."

Praise be to God! I've learned so many lessons through processing everything that has happened from 2008 until now. I can't imagine who I would be today if all of that processing hadn't happened, all because I have a God who comforted and helped me to rely on Him instead of relying on myself to get through the death of a parent.

I sit here today, anticipating my sister's 5th birthday and the 5th anniversary of my dad's passing and I can say "it is well with my soul", I learned that I'm aloud to still miss my dad and ponder that week of my life while still not letting this anniversary give the devil a foot hold on me. Godly sorrow that leads to salvation [and trust and joy] instead of worldly sorrow that leads to death (2 Corinthians 7)
 God knew I would be made fatherless at 15, he knew everything else that week would hold as well and he knew how it would effect me, how it would result in moments of weakness, even 5 years later being 20 years old. He also knew the lessons he would teach me, the friendships he would form, and how I would fall so much more in love with him.

And to think, 5 years ago, I had no idea...